Sunday, September 17, 2006

Its over!!!

After what has been nearly 4 years my relationship with Kelly has finished. We will be going our separate ways as of next Saturday. I am deeply hurt and upset, but life must and will go on. However this will be my last and final post here at the tin shed. To all of those who keep dropping by thanks for reading its been a blast.

I am not one for big dramatics so I will leave it here. Thanks all and good bye

The Horse

Monday, September 11, 2006

I remember CHRISTOPHER LUNDER

Christopher Lunder
1967-2001

'He was 10 feet tall and weighed 900 pounds. And you should look for an especially big heart.'


That's how Christopher Lunder's brother Bobby answered a detectives request for a description after the terror attacks on September 11, 2001.

When he wasn't working as part of the Cantor Fitzgerald family - where he'd been for five years - Christopher could be found playing the role of "grillmaster" at what friends affectionately dubbed "Club Lunder." With a built in pool, a pond filled with large gold fish and a gathering of people from all aspects of his life, the name is certainly appropriate. Friends from Steston University in Florida, colleagues from Cantor Fitzgerald and old pals from high school would all come and gather with but one thing in common. Their buddy Chris.

When not entertaining there was never a dull moment with wine, cigars and a newly purchased 37 foot boat christened "KC" to enjoy. He'd followed in his father's footsteps and became captain of his very own pride and joy.

He adored his wife Karen, whom he met whilst at University. They enjoyed a 10 year courtship then married in 1997. She was as devoted to him as he was to her and after his 5th knee surgery would drive down the road after him while he was running to ensure he was ok. His mother, Maureen, described them as 'Perfect together'

On the morning of Sept 11, 2001 Christopher sent Karen an email after a plane hit his building 5 stories down and told her "I love you." She was watching from their apartment and saw the rest of the events unfold. She told Christopher's mother later, that they had wanted to grow old together, like her and Christopher's father. That wasn't going to happen now.

More than 500 paid their respects at Lunder's memorial service Nov. 13 at St. Martha's Church in Point Pleasant, N.J.

I'll finish this with the simple yet, heartbreakingly touching words words of Christopher's father....

"A wonderful son so full of life, so generous. Loved by his parents, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and scores of friends. We all will miss you and know we will meet again after our lives on earth are finished."

*** Posted by Edmund Lunder on 2003-12-04 ***

I remember Christopher Lunder. I hope you do too.

Click here for more tributes that are a part of the 2996 project.


I remember PATRICK O'KEEFE

Patrick O'Keefe
Laid to rest Sept 29, 2001




On September 11, 2001 Patrick O'Keefe, 44 years young from Oakdale, NY, went to work with his fellow firefighters, and never came home. As part of this team, it was his job to help others in need. It was his job to lay his life on the line each and every time he showed up. And so it was that along with many of his "brothers," he died while operating at Manhattan 5th Alarm Box 8087 at the "North Tower" 2 World Trade Center. Just trying to help others. Like throughout the rest of his life, giving it all.

A well respected and exemplary firefighter, he excelled at all he did receiving many citations for going above and beyond what was called for. As a senior member of Rescue Co 1 Manhatten, Patrick earned admiration both on the job, and at home.

According to one of his nieces, his motto was "Work hard, play harder." Free time would often find him taking family, friends and aquaintances sailing on the Great South Bay on his boat. He was also an accomplished carpenter, a chef, and with his Irish wit and humor, always offering a laugh to those around him.

Hi wife of 23 years Karen, and children Jennifer and Timothy must surely feel every single day the gap that this devoted dad, and husband left when he went to work that day. But i'm convinced that life with Patrick would have provided plenty of special moments, treasured memories and pleasant thoughts to make them smile in their quiet times of reflection and rememberance. The same would almost certainly be true of his proud parents Pat and Anne. For his 4 siblings and numerous in-laws the memories are surely as sweet and ample.

It's a great testimont to this wonderful man that the O'Keefe Foundation has been set up in his name. This wonderful organisation offers scholarships each year to regional students who have lost a parent to violence or are recent immigrents. It is fittingly funded through a regatta held each year entitled the 'Spirit-Rider Regatta' and inspired by Patricks love of sailing.

Patrick, you gave so much of yourself in life, and are still doing so. May your legacy always live on.

It is my extreme honor to remember you today.

Click here for a list of all 2996 project tributes.

I remember TIMOTHY JOHN COUGHLIN



Timothy John Coughlin


As the Senior Managing Director of Cantor Fitzgerald Securities and of ESpeed, Timothy was determined, successful and well liked by colleagues and clients both. But his tragic death on that fateful day 5 years ago at tower 1 of the World Trade Center left a gaping whole in more than just an office.
The list of loved ones left behind can be seen here in a death notice in the New York Times. It's far too long. There are too many lives missing a piece out of them now.


The saddest names of all are those of his 3 young children.
Ryann, now 9, Sean, now 8, and Riley, now 5 1/2.

None of them will be able to play basketball with their dad. No lacrosse playing either. In both sports he was most valuable player in high school at St Mary's. He followed this up with being named Stonehill's most valuable player in football in his senior year at college. No wonder he still competed in triathlons, played golf and went swimming.

His brother Frank Coughlin Jnr has been quoted as saying "People just wanted to be with him...Other people let friendships come to them, but Timmy was one who worked at it" It's no wonder there are so many messages from those who knew him here at this page. And there is this simple, yet heartfelt tribute from a college friend. Just goes to show the impression Timothy left on those whose lives he touched, no matter how long ago.


Timothy, I remember, and am mighty proud to do so. I only wish I'd gotten to know you under better circumstances.
To your family, I offer my deepest sympathies and hope that you have plenty of happy memories that make you smile when you think of this amazing man who was your husband, dad, brother and sadly missed family member. Reading about him, I get the sense there will be an abundence of them.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Sleep

Well its 11.40pm and I took my meds this morning to help and see if it was possible for me to get some sleep tonight, and I must admit right now I think I could go to sleep without much of an issue. So it looks like moving the time I was taking the med will mean I can sleep woo hoo. I hope tomorrow meets my expectations as we are expecting something to happen...

Ohh well if it doesn't we will work things out I am sure.

The Horse


And I thought it was me....

Well people its currently 5.00am and I have not been to sleep yet instead I have been bouncing off the walls for the past 17 hours and it looks like its not me. I thought for a while here it was me and my inability to shut the mind up. However it appears that it is the meds or more to the point the new meds I am on, they have a side effect of... You guessed it insomnia. One thing I have learnt tonight is that when its time for bed there really isn't anything to watch on TV. We are truly not missing out. So for those who had that sneaking suspicion that you might have been let me assure you that it seriously is not the case.

So what does someone do who cannot sleep because the meds he is on have given him the mental energy of 10 men? Well not a lot, surf the web, go lie down stare at the ceiling, work out shapes that can be made into things with the shadows on the ceiling. Get up clean your teeth again (well I could not remember if I had done them). Surf the TV stations for anything remotely interesting to watch (big failure), stumble on the web. Then try to sleep again. However I have now given up on that happening today, maybe tonight when I go to bed I might be sufficiently tired to sleep but I get the feeling reading the web that it may not be the case on the new meds. Some people have had insomnia for up to 10 days before it goes away. I hope I don't have it for that long I will be a wreak. The funny thing about it is I am yawning as if I am tired I just cant shut the brain down for sleep. What is a man supposed to do? Reading didn't work, meditation did not work and my all time favorite a hot shower did not work. So here I am wondering if the sun rise will be enough to get the system to shut down? I hope not I have calls to make this morning when the world wakes up.

Of all the things I have had to endure since finding out about the Bipolar, the withdrawals, the physical and mental pain that goes with being on these meds. I have time and time again questioned whether its all worth it, whether I was not better off without all these dam pills making my body do things its not supposed to. My mind is shot at the moment, full of energy burning itself out, like a normal manic phase, I think these new meds are taking way to long to kick in properly instead its making the mania worse in the short term. I wonder if there is something I should be doing to help it ease off. Nothing I have read has lead me there.

I just want some mental peace so I can dam well sleep and sleep at normal hours, I have been falling asleep later and later since last Thursday when I started taking these new pills, and tonight is the first all nighter. I might change the time I take the pills and take it in the morning i.e in a couple of hours to see if it will run out over the day and let me sleep at night. It appears as if this pill can cause insomnia or the opposite somnia depending on the individual that is why they are always prescribed in the evening to begin with. Well I am changing mine to the morning as of this morning so that I can get some sleep.

Ok I think I have annoyed my reading public enough now. Yes I chatter a lot when my mind is going one thousand miles a minute. So I will leave you with the perplexing thought. If I am this bad right now, how bad was I when I was unmedicated?

The Horse

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Its late

Well its late at night and I am not asleep. Strange hey considering I have nearly been sleeping 20 hours a day. I am awake for a couple of reasons including the fact I am waiting on some money to turn up. I am stressed out majorly, there is a small chance it could get held up and I could not stand that right now. No more bad luck I don't think I could tolerate it, I need that money to turn up. I suppose what has gotten me so anxious is the accountant was not available this afternoon to take my call. For those of you in the know its not unusual for him not to be around but it sets alarm bells off when he does it.

So here I am at nearly midnight sitting in the lounge with the laptop on my knee wondering what time I should try and contact him tomorrow to see if the funds have been deposited. Sooo stressed, I hate waiting on money it really gets my goat to have to ask for it or to ask to be paid by others who you have done work for. I have always been of the belief that you should be paid without having to ask for it. I should have lived in another time I am sure.

The next major thing is that I have taken my new med tonight for the first time, it is supposed to be making a difference to me so we will see what happens over the next week. I suppose I should have kept all this to myself instead of spilling it all over the web for everyone to read. But you might as well get the bad with the good and after all it is my blog and if you don't like it you don't have to read it I suppose.

well its time I try and get some sleep

Night all

The Horse

Monday, August 21, 2006

Another slack day

Well not much has happened today have only been awake a couple of hours and its nearly time to go get Zoe from school. Had a chat with the BOH before about a few things we could do for dinner. All very mundane and sane much of my life is like that right now. I can tell you without the meds I would be searching for a way to make it far more exciting and if that meant setting someone up for a fall I would have done it.

Now to be quite honest I am not even interested, the slow routine and life makes me far more relaxed and I now feel better for it unlike in the past I have no desire to make my life any faster than it is.

ok that's the words for the day

The Horse

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Wow a week and no posts

Man I have been one slack blogger, I must admit to the fact that tonight is the first time in several weeks that I have actually placed the laptop in the docking station to type Instead of having it on my lap.

Well I suppose I should update you all on what has been going on. I have finally been in contact with the old accountant and it looks like we are getting some money back from old G.S.T. and tax returns. This is a good and bad thing. The other thing is he has agreed to help me finish off all of my taxes and stuff so I can receive the social security benefits that we need right now to keep our heads above water. It will all become clearer on Wednesday or Thursday of this coming week, so people please fingers crossed for us, as we need some luck on our side for a change.

Having had a couple of years of nothing but bad luck a change for us would be fantastic. I think with me getting Bipolar and everything else that went with it we deserve a break and I deserve some time to recover without the pressures of everyday life. It seems an impossibility at times to be able to get a day or several days at a time without a huge amount or pressure placed upon me.

Its one thing I have found I cannot do now is deal with any type of stress, it sets me off on a dangerous thought pattern that is not easily dealt with. I have had explained to me that I have become extremely fragile due to the illness and in the past I would have internalized that, and made my self worse, now I externalise it and tell people I cannot cope therefore feeling weak about it. I think for the first time in my life I have started to tell people what is really going on inside my head. Its an interesting thing to see when you tell someone something that they did not want to hear.

My parents have been a classic in that my mother seems to think I am putting it on and that the doctors have convinced me that I am sick and therefore I am not sick. She said on the phone on Friday that I was not sick and that I could manage without the pills. I would love to manage without the pills was my reply but I know the reality is that I cant. I have been told its still early days and I will get stronger as time goes on. The meds give me a safety blanket to help deal with the stresses as they come along, though sometimes they don't work on their own. I also have a set of strategies that I use to help protect my mind and its fragile state from the things that may hurt me.

To others it may seem that I have become self centered or self absorbed but I am going to be honest, I don't care if that is how it looks from the outside, I know what I need now to function as a human being and if that seems to be self absorbed maybe the people I am hanging around with are the issue. As it is it has been stated more than once that my parents are pure poison to me at the moment and I am not strong enough to deal with them.

anyway I am slowly starting to feel better mind you the list of things and hoops I have to jump through seem to be getting bigger and bigger every day, but I know in time I can deal with most things even those I do not want to.

The Horse


Saturday, August 05, 2006

A simple Man!

He was all I had for a long time, a quiet gentle man. A man who understood without words, who could sit in silence for hours and say a thousand words. A man of wisdom brought about by age. Someone to trust. A man who never needed to raise his voice. A man who was not special to the whole world.

He was a man who was special to me. He knew when I was hurt. He knew when I was not well. He was always there to help out. I was his little mate, even when I was taller then he was. He taught me to fish he did. He taught me about life. He helped me cope when I thought I could not. He was there through his own pain to help me.

I lost him suddenly. I remember the day. I had seen him the day before and told him in my parting. "I love you so please look after yourself". I passed his ambulance on the way to my place of work. If I had only known it was my last goodbye would I have said anything different? I remember the call, that he had passed away, from a heart attack. I wonder to this day if it was not from the broken heart of watching his son die of cancer.

He was a man, a simple man, a man of faith, a man of family of devotion. If I measure up to be half of that man.

I miss you still pop, I hope one day to meet you again. I was shocked by how fast you were taken away from us, I miss your gentle smile I miss our walks and our fishing trips, I miss the house by the sea, and most of all I miss you. I had the piper play Scotland the brave for you one month after your passing as we had discussed once. I hope you heard it in heaven, it was the most moving thing I have ever done for anyone I love you still, and I think I always will. I still have your ring and your clock, I wear the ring every day to remind me of you. Your clock keeps my house to a beat, so we dont run late for things. I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.

This is my goodbye to a simple man.

The Horse