Confessions of a lost soul..

Well this is the post I have been promising for some time now. Today is the first time that I have felt comfortable enough to tell you all what transpired some three weeks ago.

To do this I have to tell you all something that I have kept a secret for most of my adult life, in fact until recently all of my adult life. That is ... I like guys as well as girls. Yes I am Bi. Woa that hurt to say still. It is something that I know some people are not going to want to read. Some people are going to say what is the big deal. Some will never return to my blog. I understand all those reactions right now. That is fine, I am finding it hard enough to come to terms with right now myself. But hey that is life.

It all came to a head about 3 weeks ago when the better half found out and I was forced to deal with several things.

(1) My feelings about me.
(2) The fact that my medication was not working.
(3) The fact that I liked guys .
(4) The fact I had been lying to myself and others for a long time.
(5) The fact I could now loose the only person I truly cared about.
(6) The fact I was suicidal again.

Not easy things to deal with when your not suffering from bipolar, now add that on top and you have an idea of what I was dealing with. Well on the night in question, I ended up driving off after the other half found out. I was so shocked as I finally realized deep down inside what was going on with me. The fact that I was deeply unhappy suffering alone in some ways with an illness that was not under control. The pain caused by incidents when I was a child were magnified 10 fold by the fact that I was unable to deal with my own sexuality.

It ended up with the better half calling the police because I was truly suicidal, and to be honest with my readers as I have always been I nearly failed to take a corner at high speed. The better half and I talked on the phone till I made it home and I finally spoke to a councilor and the police about what was going on in my head.

Well as you can imagine it has been an interesting road since. I am still yet to have my session with the psychiatrist, but was told on Friday it would be before the end of the month. I am 100% medication free right now, until I do see him and it is horrible, I am swinging from mania for 7 days to depressed for 10. Its no fun. They are keeping a close eye on me to make sure I stay safe and only on Friday was I given some meds to slow the brain down so I can sleep.

The other half and I have had a tough road since. I have let her into my world a world of mixed sexuality, which is different. In her eyes her competition has just doubled and one half of that has something she does not. Its been hard for the both of us. Me to open up to her about a world I have kept secret, to deal with the fact I like guys as well. On some level I still struggle with that fact. Its not something easy for me to do. I have been told my whole life its immoral wrong and wrong by my religion. I am still struggling on that level. I still ask why god made me so wrong. This is not a case of choice it is who I am. I am scared of what I am right now, but I am trying to accept it.

The other half has been wonderfully through all of this. She could have run, but she did not, she stayed. Helped me come to terms with things. We have spoken in depth every day since that night about me and us and how we make this all work. We have joined an online group called HUGS to see how other couples work through this. It is important to both of us that we manage to make this happen. Not just for us but for Zoe the innocent one in all of this.

My fears are now stronger than ever. My last couple of posts have been way to angry for me. But I think it reflects the anger I felt at myself and others for their treatment of me over the years. The fact I feel I was forced to lie to everyone. The fact I was made to be someone I was not by others and their expectations of me. Yes I probably agreed along the way. But understanding Bipolar as I now do, there were some for certain that took advantage of those inconsistencies in my behavior. My adopted parents are amongst those people.

How do I move forward from here ? More to the point how do we move forward from here? Its not an easy question to answer. In fact its one of the hardest things to answer right now. I know that I have to get better and better treatment for what I have, that will help a lot. Get myself under control with my illness. That will make all the difference to me and to the other half. The Bi sexuality has been interesting, because now I can be honest with those I know from that world, with out having to live in fantasy to feel accepted. Its interesting that I have come to this point. Because I never thought it would ever come to this. In some ways the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

The other major thing that has happened and no one but the other half and I know about this at this stage is that I declared bankrupt a couple of weeks ago. After running a huge business and several others, I can no longer cope with it. The mental illness has taken its toll on me. I am scared of the phone the post office and several other things in my life. I can no longer cope with it all. I have been fighting in court over a debt I do not owe and I can no longer do it. Rather than continue the fight I have declared bankrupt. This is for 2 reasons. 1 I need the time to heal who I am 2 I need the break from the financial pressures.

To top this period off I have been offered a major job at the end of next year which will be everything I have ever wanted. I believe God was behind all this, he knew the lies were tearing me apart, he knew I was not being honest with myself and that I needed too. Only once I did, did things change for me. I am still raw from the events that have happened over the past couple of weeks.

Comments for this post are not necessary, I wont ask you to comment. If you want to of course feel free.

This is my life now, no one else's, I am growing as a person and for the first time I know what true love is. To Kelly.... I love you for who you are and the dedication you have shown me and our relationship. I hope to be able to prove to you I can do the same.

For those who are wondering... I did not step out of the relationship... No physical contact.. But that does not excuse what did happen. To be honest people that is between me and my girl so live with it.

Also if you don't like the fact I have come out of my closet. Well to fucking bad. I am not going to kill myself for you and your bigoted attitudes. I just wish I had realized earlier that I could be supported I may have done this years ago and avoided the bipolar all together. But life is life.

The Horse

Tags: confession, pain, biploar, bankrupt, comming out, life, love, friends, treatment, the-tin-shed