Sunday, August 20, 2006

Wow a week and no posts

Man I have been one slack blogger, I must admit to the fact that tonight is the first time in several weeks that I have actually placed the laptop in the docking station to type Instead of having it on my lap.

Well I suppose I should update you all on what has been going on. I have finally been in contact with the old accountant and it looks like we are getting some money back from old G.S.T. and tax returns. This is a good and bad thing. The other thing is he has agreed to help me finish off all of my taxes and stuff so I can receive the social security benefits that we need right now to keep our heads above water. It will all become clearer on Wednesday or Thursday of this coming week, so people please fingers crossed for us, as we need some luck on our side for a change.

Having had a couple of years of nothing but bad luck a change for us would be fantastic. I think with me getting Bipolar and everything else that went with it we deserve a break and I deserve some time to recover without the pressures of everyday life. It seems an impossibility at times to be able to get a day or several days at a time without a huge amount or pressure placed upon me.

Its one thing I have found I cannot do now is deal with any type of stress, it sets me off on a dangerous thought pattern that is not easily dealt with. I have had explained to me that I have become extremely fragile due to the illness and in the past I would have internalized that, and made my self worse, now I externalise it and tell people I cannot cope therefore feeling weak about it. I think for the first time in my life I have started to tell people what is really going on inside my head. Its an interesting thing to see when you tell someone something that they did not want to hear.

My parents have been a classic in that my mother seems to think I am putting it on and that the doctors have convinced me that I am sick and therefore I am not sick. She said on the phone on Friday that I was not sick and that I could manage without the pills. I would love to manage without the pills was my reply but I know the reality is that I cant. I have been told its still early days and I will get stronger as time goes on. The meds give me a safety blanket to help deal with the stresses as they come along, though sometimes they don't work on their own. I also have a set of strategies that I use to help protect my mind and its fragile state from the things that may hurt me.

To others it may seem that I have become self centered or self absorbed but I am going to be honest, I don't care if that is how it looks from the outside, I know what I need now to function as a human being and if that seems to be self absorbed maybe the people I am hanging around with are the issue. As it is it has been stated more than once that my parents are pure poison to me at the moment and I am not strong enough to deal with them.

anyway I am slowly starting to feel better mind you the list of things and hoops I have to jump through seem to be getting bigger and bigger every day, but I know in time I can deal with most things even those I do not want to.

The Horse


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