the-tin-shed

Its over!!!

2006-09-17T23:40:00.000+10:00

After what has been nearly 4 years my relationship with Kelly has finished. We will be going our separate ways as of next Saturday. I am deeply hurt and upset, but life must and will go on. However this will be my last and final post here at the tin shed. To all of those who keep dropping by thanks for reading its been a blast.

I am not one for big dramatics so I will leave it here. Thanks all and good bye

The Horse

I remember CHRISTOPHER LUNDER

2006-09-11T23:40:00.000+10:00

Christopher Lunder

1967-2001

'He was 10 feet tall and weighed 900 pounds. And you should look for an especially big heart.'

That's how Christopher Lunder's brother Bobby answered a detectives request for a description after the terror attacks on September 11, 2001.

When he wasn't working as part of the Cantor Fitzgerald family - where he'd been for five years - Christopher could be found playing the role of "grillmaster" at what friends affectionately dubbed "Club Lunder." With a built in pool, a pond filled with large gold fish and a gathering of people from all aspects of his life, the name is certainly appropriate. Friends from Steston University in Florida, colleagues from Cantor Fitzgerald and old pals from high school would all come and gather with but one thing in common. Their buddy Chris.

When not entertaining there was never a dull moment with wine, cigars and a newly purchased 37 foot boat christened "KC" to enjoy. He'd followed in his father's footsteps and became captain of his very own pride and joy.

He adored his wife Karen, whom he met whilst at University. They enjoyed a 10 year courtship then married in 1997. She was as devoted to him as he was to her and after his 5th knee surgery would drive down the road after him while he was running to ensure he was ok. His mother, Maureen, described them as 'Perfect together'

On the morning of Sept 11, 2001 Christopher sent Karen an email after a plane hit his building 5 stories down and told her "I love you." She was watching from their apartment and saw the rest of the events unfold. She told Christopher's mother later, that they had wanted to grow old together, like her and Christopher's father. That wasn't going to happen now.

More than 500 paid their respects at Lunder's memorial service Nov. 13 at St. Martha's Church in Point Pleasant, N.J.

I'll finish this with the simple yet, heartbreakingly touching words words of Christopher's father....

"A wonderful son so full of life, so generous. Loved by his parents, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and scores of friends. We all will miss you and know we will meet again after our lives on earth are finished."

*** Posted by Edmund Lunder on 2003-12-04 ***

I remember Christopher Lunder. I hope you do too.

Click here for more tributes that are a part of the 2996 project.

I remember PATRICK O'KEEFE

2006-09-11T20:26:00.000+10:00

Patrick O'Keefe
Laid to rest Sept 29, 2001

On September 11, 2001 Patrick O'Keefe, 44 years young from Oakdale, NY, went to work with his fellow firefighters, and never came home. As part of this team, it was his job to help others in need. It was his job to lay his life on the line each and every time he showed up. And so it was that along with many of his "brothers," he died while operating at Manhattan 5th Alarm Box 8087 at the "North Tower" 2 World Trade Center. Just trying to help others. Like throughout the rest of his life, giving it all.

A well respected and exemplary firefighter, he excelled at all he did receiving many citations for going above and beyond what was called for. As a senior member of Rescue Co 1 Manhatten, Patrick earned admiration both on the job, and at home.

According to one of his nieces, his motto was "Work hard, play harder." Free time would often find him taking family, friends and aquaintances sailing on the Great South Bay on his boat. He was also an accomplished carpenter, a chef, and with his Irish wit and humor, always offering a laugh to those around him.

Hi wife of 23 years Karen, and children Jennifer and Timothy must surely feel every single day the gap that this devoted dad, and husband left when he went to work that day. But i'm convinced that life with Patrick would have provided plenty of special moments, treasured memories and pleasant thoughts to make them smile in their quiet times of reflection and rememberance. The same would almost certainly be true of his proud parents Pat and Anne. For his 4 siblings and numerous in-laws the memories are surely as sweet and ample.

It's a great testimont to this wonderful man that the O'Keefe Foundation has been set up in his name. This wonderful organisation offers scholarships each year to regional students who have lost a parent to violence or are recent immigrents. It is fittingly funded through a regatta held each year entitled the 'Spirit-Rider Regatta' and inspired by Patricks love of sailing.

Patrick, you gave so much of yourself in life, and are still doing so. May your legacy always live on.

It is my extreme honor to remember you today.

Click here for a list of all 2996 project tributes.

I remember TIMOTHY JOHN COUGHLIN

2006-09-11T16:27:00.000+10:00

Timothy John Coughlin

As the Senior Managing Director of Cantor Fitzgerald Securities and of ESpeed, Timothy was determined, successful and well liked by colleagues and clients both. But his tragic death on that fateful day 5 years ago at tower 1 of the World Trade Center left a gaping whole in more than just an office.
The list of loved ones left behind can be seen here in a death notice in the New York Times. It's far too long. There are too many lives missing a piece out of them now.

The saddest names of all are those of his 3 young children.
Ryann, now 9, Sean, now 8, and Riley, now 5 1/2.

None of them will be able to play basketball with their dad. No lacrosse playing either. In both sports he was most valuable player in high school at St Mary's. He followed this up with being named Stonehill's most valuable player in football in his senior year at college. No wonder he still competed in triathlons, played golf and went swimming.

His brother Frank Coughlin Jnr has been quoted as saying "People just wanted to be with him...Other people let friendships come to them, but Timmy was one who worked at it" It's no wonder there are so many messages from those who knew him here at this page. And there is this simple, yet heartfelt tribute from a college friend. Just goes to show the impression Timothy left on those whose lives he touched, no matter how long ago.

Timothy, I remember, and am mighty proud to do so. I only wish I'd gotten to know you under better circumstances.
To your family, I offer my deepest sympathies and hope that you have plenty of happy memories that make you smile when you think of this amazing man who was your husband, dad, brother and sadly missed family member. Reading about him, I get the sense there will be an abundence of them.

Sleep

2006-08-29T23:46:00.000+10:00

Well its 11.40pm and I took my meds this morning to help and see if it was possible for me to get some sleep tonight, and I must admit right now I think I could go to sleep without much of an issue. So it looks like moving the time I was taking the med will mean I can sleep woo hoo. I hope tomorrow meets my expectations as we are expecting something to happen...

Ohh well if it doesn't we will work things out I am sure.

The Horse

And I thought it was me....

2006-08-29T04:51:00.000+10:00

Well people its currently 5.00am and I have not been to sleep yet instead I have been bouncing off the walls for the past 17 hours and it looks like its not me. I thought for a while here it was me and my inability to shut the mind up. However it appears that it is the meds or more to the point the new meds I am on, they have a side effect of... You guessed it insomnia. One thing I have learnt tonight is that when its time for bed there really isn't anything to watch on TV. We are truly not missing out. So for those who had that sneaking suspicion that you might have been let me assure you that it seriously is not the case.

So what does someone do who cannot sleep because the meds he is on have given him the mental energy of 10 men? Well not a lot, surf the web, go lie down stare at the ceiling, work out shapes that can be made into things with the shadows on the ceiling. Get up clean your teeth again (well I could not remember if I had done them). Surf the TV stations for anything remotely interesting to watch (big failure), stumble on the web. Then try to sleep again. However I have now given up on that happening today, maybe tonight when I go to bed I might be sufficiently tired to sleep but I get the feeling reading the web that it may not be the case on the new meds. Some people have had insomnia for up to 10 days before it goes away. I hope I don't have it for that long I will be a wreak. The funny thing about it is I am yawning as if I am tired I just cant shut the brain down for sleep. What is a man supposed to do? Reading didn't work, meditation did not work and my all time favorite a hot shower did not work. So here I am wondering if the sun rise will be enough to get the system to shut down? I hope not I have calls to make this morning when the world wakes up.

Of all the things I have had to endure since finding out about the Bipolar, the withdrawals, the physical and mental pain that goes with being on these meds. I have time and time again questioned whether its all worth it, whether I was not better off without all these dam pills making my body do things its not supposed to. My mind is shot at the moment, full of energy burning itself out, like a normal manic phase, I think these new meds are taking way to long to kick in properly instead its making the mania worse in the short term. I wonder if there is something I should be doing to help it ease off. Nothing I have read has lead me there.

I just want some mental peace so I can dam well sleep and sleep at normal hours, I have been falling asleep later and later since last Thursday when I started taking these new pills, and tonight is the first all nighter. I might change the time I take the pills and take it in the morning i.e in a couple of hours to see if it will run out over the day and let me sleep at night. It appears as if this pill can cause insomnia or the opposite somnia depending on the individual that is why they are always prescribed in the evening to begin with. Well I am changing mine to the morning as of this morning so that I can get some sleep.

Ok I think I have annoyed my reading public enough now. Yes I chatter a lot when my mind is going one thousand miles a minute. So I will leave you with the perplexing thought. If I am this bad right now, how bad was I when I was unmedicated?

The Horse

Its late

2006-08-23T23:34:00.000+10:00

Well its late at night and I am not asleep. Strange hey considering I have nearly been sleeping 20 hours a day. I am awake for a couple of reasons including the fact I am waiting on some money to turn up. I am stressed out majorly, there is a small chance it could get held up and I could not stand that right now. No more bad luck I don't think I could tolerate it, I need that money to turn up. I suppose what has gotten me so anxious is the accountant was not available this afternoon to take my call. For those of you in the know its not unusual for him not to be around but it sets alarm bells off when he does it.

So here I am at nearly midnight sitting in the lounge with the laptop on my knee wondering what time I should try and contact him tomorrow to see if the funds have been deposited. Sooo stressed, I hate waiting on money it really gets my goat to have to ask for it or to ask to be paid by others who you have done work for. I have always been of the belief that you should be paid without having to ask for it. I should have lived in another time I am sure.

The next major thing is that I have taken my new med tonight for the first time, it is supposed to be making a difference to me so we will see what happens over the next week. I suppose I should have kept all this to myself instead of spilling it all over the web for everyone to read. But you might as well get the bad with the good and after all it is my blog and if you don't like it you don't have to read it I suppose.

well its time I try and get some sleep

Night all

The Horse

Another slack day

2006-08-21T14:44:00.000+10:00

Well not much has happened today have only been awake a couple of hours and its nearly time to go get Zoe from school. Had a chat with the BOH before about a few things we could do for dinner. All very mundane and sane much of my life is like that right now. I can tell you without the meds I would be searching for a way to make it far more exciting and if that meant setting someone up for a fall I would have done it.

Now to be quite honest I am not even interested, the slow routine and life makes me far more relaxed and I now feel better for it unlike in the past I have no desire to make my life any faster than it is.

ok that's the words for the day

The Horse

Wow a week and no posts

2006-08-20T22:02:00.000+10:00

Man I have been one slack blogger, I must admit to the fact that tonight is the first time in several weeks that I have actually placed the laptop in the docking station to type Instead of having it on my lap.

Well I suppose I should update you all on what has been going on. I have finally been in contact with the old accountant and it looks like we are getting some money back from old G.S.T. and tax returns. This is a good and bad thing. The other thing is he has agreed to help me finish off all of my taxes and stuff so I can receive the social security benefits that we need right now to keep our heads above water. It will all become clearer on Wednesday or Thursday of this coming week, so people please fingers crossed for us, as we need some luck on our side for a change.

Having had a couple of years of nothing but bad luck a change for us would be fantastic. I think with me getting Bipolar and everything else that went with it we deserve a break and I deserve some time to recover without the pressures of everyday life. It seems an impossibility at times to be able to get a day or several days at a time without a huge amount or pressure placed upon me.

Its one thing I have found I cannot do now is deal with any type of stress, it sets me off on a dangerous thought pattern that is not easily dealt with. I have had explained to me that I have become extremely fragile due to the illness and in the past I would have internalized that, and made my self worse, now I externalise it and tell people I cannot cope therefore feeling weak about it. I think for the first time in my life I have started to tell people what is really going on inside my head. Its an interesting thing to see when you tell someone something that they did not want to hear.

My parents have been a classic in that my mother seems to think I am putting it on and that the doctors have convinced me that I am sick and therefore I am not sick. She said on the phone on Friday that I was not sick and that I could manage without the pills. I would love to manage without the pills was my reply but I know the reality is that I cant. I have been told its still early days and I will get stronger as time goes on. The meds give me a safety blanket to help deal with the stresses as they come along, though sometimes they don't work on their own. I also have a set of strategies that I use to help protect my mind and its fragile state from the things that may hurt me.

To others it may seem that I have become self centered or self absorbed but I am going to be honest, I don't care if that is how it looks from the outside, I know what I need now to function as a human being and if that seems to be self absorbed maybe the people I am hanging around with are the issue. As it is it has been stated more than once that my parents are pure poison to me at the moment and I am not strong enough to deal with them.

anyway I am slowly starting to feel better mind you the list of things and hoops I have to jump through seem to be getting bigger and bigger every day, but I know in time I can deal with most things even those I do not want to.

The Horse

A simple Man!

2006-08-05T00:10:00.000+10:00

He was all I had for a long time, a quiet gentle man. A man who understood without words, who could sit in silence for hours and say a thousand words. A man of wisdom brought about by age. Someone to trust. A man who never needed to raise his voice. A man who was not special to the whole world.

He was a man who was special to me. He knew when I was hurt. He knew when I was not well. He was always there to help out. I was his little mate, even when I was taller then he was. He taught me to fish he did. He taught me about life. He helped me cope when I thought I could not. He was there through his own pain to help me.

I lost him suddenly. I remember the day. I had seen him the day before and told him in my parting. "I love you so please look after yourself". I passed his ambulance on the way to my place of work. If I had only known it was my last goodbye would I have said anything different? I remember the call, that he had passed away, from a heart attack. I wonder to this day if it was not from the broken heart of watching his son die of cancer.

He was a man, a simple man, a man of faith, a man of family of devotion. If I measure up to be half of that man.

I miss you still pop, I hope one day to meet you again. I was shocked by how fast you were taken away from us, I miss your gentle smile I miss our walks and our fishing trips, I miss the house by the sea, and most of all I miss you. I had the piper play Scotland the brave for you one month after your passing as we had discussed once. I hope you heard it in heaven, it was the most moving thing I have ever done for anyone I love you still, and I think I always will. I still have your ring and your clock, I wear the ring every day to remind me of you. Your clock keeps my house to a beat, so we dont run late for things. I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.

This is my goodbye to a simple man.

The Horse

What should I do?

2006-08-03T21:41:00.000+10:00

Well I knew it would come to this sooner or later, as I have started to settle on my meds I am wondering about my future and what I should start doing to make it better than my past. I have as most of you would have know worked in the IT industry for all of my adult life, and its something that I enjoy even when I say I am not. More importantly I suppose is the fact I have done all of this work with no qualifications. This is something I think I should seriously look into doing.

I think I should look into a full time course based on the fact that I believe that with my experience that I would be a very valuable addition to any organization once I am fully trained. I have worked in IT for since leaving high school, and have had some fairly large clients including several government departments. The thing is now I think I will work for someone else instead of myself I have really had enough of all of the issues that go with it, including paperwork etc that you don't get paid to do. For once I would like to get paid to have a holiday instead of loose money while I am away. Its all a little different I know.

I suppose I am wondering tonight whether enrolling for a open learning degree is for me, after all I can work from home and then don't have to go onsite for learning and that would suit if I was not feeling well. Also I thought that I will have graduated at the end of the course and can then look for work. It means a full 3 years on social security while I complete the course but as per normal the course is only runs for 9 months of the year and the payments from social security continue as long as you stay enrolled, so there will be no issues for me there I would hope.

oh well let me know what you think a degree here would be a good thing and I think now is a perfect time in my life to stop and re-evaluate what I can achieve and by that I mean. I think I can achieve a qualification for work, that I have been doing for over 10 years. Would be nice to have that bit of paper on the wall.

Ok I am stopping this rant now it is rather again incoherent and babbled on about.. I await your comments

The Horse

Are civilians legitimate targets in a war zone ?

2006-08-01T21:52:00.000+10:00

Yes I am touching on this topic this week like everyone else because of the Israel Muslim issue in the middle east. It seems that if your a nation you are expected to keep civilian deaths to a minimum but if you are a terrorist group or freedom fighters (depends on your point of view) it seems that using civilians as human Shields is acceptable.

Now come on we had no issues fire bombing Tokyo and Dresden, in which thousands of civilians died, yet we get all upset when we bomb a building that happened to have some civilians inside. You think I am being heartless, well maybe I am but I argue, isn't WAR supposed to be such a horrible thing that it is a last resort. There is a state of war on in the middle east therefore civilians are going to be killed.

As I stated in a previous post, I think we in the west are being played as fools by both sides of the current conflict. I understand that the issues run deep and in the wash up I am sure Syria and Iran have a lot to answer for. I know it does not take away responsibility for the death of civilians, in the modern age we seem to think that war can be clinical but to fight an organization or nation that is prepared to use civilians as a shield it leaves no choice.

This is a complex issue that will not go away, war is supposed to be horrible, civilians will die, hundreds of thousands will be displaced, there is absolutely nothing that is funny or to be taken lightly about a war. War on Terror or war against the freedom fighters/terrorists is going to involve the death of people. I will not go into my personal opinions on the current conflict other than to say if you bait an angry bear you will get hurt. Israel has a right to defend herself and the international community needs to now take an active role in making sure she is safe from attacks outside her boarders or over her boarders. If it were any other country in any other place in the world the world community would be behind the act of defense.

I am sure that we will not see the end of the conflicts over Israel in my life time, but I will say the death of civilians is inevitable at least these days we don't rape 80% of the conquered civilian population like the Russians did in the second world war. We have plenty of precedents of mass killings of civilians in a conflict, the UN is mandated with the protection of civilians and the only way they can do that is to move into these places before the war begins, afterwards is to late. A stabilization force is only part of a long term solution and one has to be found or I will be bloging about this once again in several years.

What I hate most about this is the way that either side is made out to be the innocent victim the reality in war there are no innocent victims, when there is war there are combatants and non-combatants.

Ok I have had my rant on this topic sorry for the lack of pics I might put them up tomorrow

The Horse

Check out my Renter Dang it..

2006-07-24T15:28:00.000+10:00

Hey guys girls and everyone go so the renter. She is fantastic, go over and check out the talent its a worthwhile trip. You know dam well if the Horse said it is then it is. One thing you cannot ever accuse me of on this site is telling you lies. She is good go look, come on its only a little click.

Anyway I wont be round much this week as I am changing Internet Provider, so wont have it till Friday and I am on Dial up which is like watching grass grow. Its part of our complete rationalizations of services etc that we have here.

Ok all take care and look after those who cannot look after themselves.

The Horse

Pimp Post

2006-07-18T19:14:00.000+10:00

Hey all, I have just been over to see this weeks renter, she is one talented artist, man I still wish I could paint/draw or anything as good as this weeks renter.

So I suppose I will ask you all to do yourself a favor and go over and check out the works and the explanations about each piece. She makes art accessible to us all by letting you understand what the art is about. This is no abstract cube but clever use of color and texture that transfers well to the electronic medium we call the web.

So go check it out and let her know what you think

The Horse

This Post is SKP's Fault so blame him....

2006-07-16T18:15:00.000+10:00

Well I was over reading SKP's blog when he brought up the issue of mobile/cell phones and their complete dominance of our community lives and well just about everything else.

Well I am one of those rude bastards that talks non stop on his phone in the most inappropriate places. No I am not I try not to but when it is expected that you will answer your phone every time someone rings then well you get the picture. Its no good complaining about mobile phones and users if you expect your friend to pick up when you call no matter where they are. You see the smarter ones of us have a code now we use txt messaging to see if someone is busy or can chat.

My favorite abuser of the mobile phone in public is the person who is to embarrassed to answer the phone so he/she lets it ring out 4 times before finally reaching in and turning it off or even more annoying is the person who tries to type a text message and drive at the same time. Her in the land of Aus its illegal to do so.. But what I find hilarious is when the person dobbing in the person texting is doing it while holding onto a phone and driving as well.. Two idiots attached to their dare I say it :"penis extensions".

I must admit the funniest article I have ever read had to do with a certain model of Nokia and its vibrate capabilities. It seems some woman in Japan were ending up in the emergency department after their phones had disappeared. It only felt good till the battery went flat and the boyfriend stopped calling...

OK now I did not make that up but right now I cannot find that article. And as stated above in the header SKP this is all your fault buddy.

Ok I have said enough

The Horse

Major Rant.. You Have Been Warned.

2006-07-13T12:05:00.000+10:00

Ok this is one major rant you don't have to agree or read this but I am writing it... So there.

OK someone please explain to me why people in the middle east have to go killing each other. A classic example is what is going on now with Israel now pounding the living daylights out of the Gaza strip. First things first the Gaza strip was taken by force bye Israel after Egypt attacked Israel. The latest round of attacks have happened because an Israeli soldier was kidnapped to be held to ransom. What gets me is now that Israel is taking action to get there member back, its "ohh they are attacking us" from the Muslims. Well I am sorry but Kidnapping someone is going to get you shot at. Also to top it all off Israel fired a missile at a building where the chief bomb maker for the Terrorists was having a meeting. The strike was a success in killing several high level commanders. What did the media release. They also killed a woman and child.

Hold the fucking cart here. She was in the same building, she knew the risk of being targeted because of their presence so there is no, "poor woman and child". When is the west going to wake up and smell the horse shit we are being fed. For the sake of god, they are using the media to make us feel sorry for their terrorist arses. I am so dam frustrated that the west takes this horse shit as fact.

The people in Gaza have no one to blame but themselves for their current position. If you attack Israel then she is going to fight back like any sovereign nation on earth and the current stance of not recognizing Israel but still wanting to be taken seriously. Come on you morons get your head out of your arses and smell something other than your own rhetoric. Israel is a sovereign nation and nothing you are going to do is going to make that any different. You lost a war you started you have no one to blame but yourself. Get over yourself. Terrorism is Terrorism no matter what name you carry it out in.

As for Iraq, while I am at it. The two Muslim factions are killing each other in large numbers but somehow that is our fault.. Someone please explain to me how its our fault??? How mad have you got to be to understand all of this BS from everyone.

Ok had my rant

The Horse

The Mastermind Behind Beslan is Dead!

2006-07-11T20:48:00.000+10:00

Today it has been confirmed that the evil twisted son of a bitch that used innocent school children and non combatants at Belsan has been killed. The world today became a safer place thanks to the death of this twisted sick individual. I hope he burns in 1000 fires of hell for what he ordered his men to do. Justice awaits him.

The article can be found here http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/5165456.stm

The world is a better place without him. Time to celebrate the death of an evil man.

Timeline of his actions

October 2005: Scores killed in attack on Nalchik, Russia

September 2004: Gunmen seize school in Beslan, 331 deaths

August 2004: Suicide bombers destroy two airliners leaving Moscow, 89 deaths

August 2004: Suicide bomber kills 10 outside Moscow metro

October 2002: Moscow theatre seized, 129 hostages die

June 1995: Hospital siege, Budyonnovsk, southern Russia, 100 people killed

1991: Hijacks plane from southern Russia to Turkey to draw attention to Chechen fight for independence

*thanks to the BBC world service for this infromation.*

The Horse

Trip to the Pysch?

2006-07-11T00:07:00.000+10:00

Well its still official, I am a complete looney. Anyway looks like I wont be using the centre for much longer the doctor and psych I have been in contact with are taking over my care making for a fantastic care arrangement as far as I am concerned. So I have had a win all round about time something went my way instead of the bye way.

Ok new meds are working awesome I am starting to feel whole. Had another argument with my parents tonight but it was one I was expecting, they don't understand my illness do therefore everything that I have done has been directed at them to make them out to be this and that well to be honest I don't care about what they think much so we will see

Anyway I am off just letting you all know it went well and I am tired right now so will catch you all later

The Horse

New Scheme

2006-07-10T00:00:00.000+10:00

Yes thats right another new scheme hope you all like it cause I do. Its another image I found online that Kelly has so happily put together in a theme for me she has done a fantastic job again. We will see how long it takes me to get sick of it.

I also hope to get another renter soon. Lets see if we can find someone as good as skp he was awsome

Bye for now

The Horse

Rome? America? Empire ?

2006-07-08T22:44:00.000+10:00

Now before I start I will make a couple of comments. Firstly I am not an American, nor am I of roman background. Secondly I am not for either side of this argument I just find the similarities interesting. Third and last, you do not have to agree with my opinion here. Infact some of my opinion is and maybe clearly flawed but hey this is my blog and if you don't like it then bugger off and read someone else's blog for a change.

Rome the greatest western empire in history, never repeated the true super power of the known western world. An empire built on religion, built on Roman military might. We know she was the most militarily brilliant of all time. Her armies were feared as was Rome through out the known world. The remnants were still in operation till the fall of Constantinople to the Muslim hoards some 2000 years after the founding of Rome as an empire. Rome was the greatest super power the west had ever known. Although not a democracy being a roman citizen gave you rights, rights no one else in the empire had or for that matter the known world. Rome was run bye the senate who was overseen by the emperor. The senate was made up of those wealthy family's in Rome, and of course she was a powerful allie.

Rome's expansion was not planned over he history she simply invaded to make herself secure. Does this sound familiar. Well it should, America and the CIA helped overthrow the Taliban to protect America and her interests of safety for its people. Iraq for the same reason, no in all but name Iraq is a territory of the US. Over time Rome grew to be a mighty and powerful empire and is America now trying to emulate that?

The US has put her strength into building the world best army,navy & air force, she showed the world in no uncertain terms her fighting ability in the war in Iraq where she rolled over the bulk of the army in such a short time. She literally anhilated the resistance. To any nation anywhere on earth it was a show of force.

America is like Rome in that she is ruled by an elite, the powerful place money in the hands of those that will push their cause. Rome was the same run by but a few families, who profited from her power, from her dominance. Several times Rome fell into civil war, America has had a civil war.

As for rebellions the Jews held a major rebellion and kicked the Romans out of Judea only to have sever retribution meted out to them, they had their cities crushed and were made to move off the lands. America is doing the same in Iraq she dared to question the west and her consiquence was a massive show of force, exactly the way Rome showed her power in the past. America has a choice now which direction will she head. The coalition of the willing is nothing more than an empire with out using the word empire. We are not that stupid I hope.

The comparisons are many and I am sure I have left many out, one thing is for certain if the US is to maintain her position as global power she must continue to flex her considerable military might to show the world her power and to maintain her interests.

So what do you think let me know. I await your thoughts just simply add a comment below I await your conclusions.

The Horse

bloody health Service

2006-07-07T16:22:00.000+10:00

OK in my last post I was a tad down annoyed, pissed off, bloody downright angry. I had received a call from Community Mental Health during the afternoon to confirm an appointment on Monday at 1.30pm for a psychatrist. Now you would say why did that make me angry. Well I have been promised that appointment 12 times for starters and it took me to intentionally miss two appointments with my councilor there for them to take notice of me. Well I will say this much I am not happy about having to go back to them.

I found a great GP and Psychologist to go and see outside of the Mental Health network here. I was made basically to feel after the phone call that I had to go back through the mental health service. I found out today I don't have to I am the patient and I can choose who I go and see. So they will be getting a call on Monday telling them I am opting out. Would rather go to St David's care for councilor, my current Gp and the psychologist at that clinic then get put back into the holding pattern of the other system. This same system that made me go through withdrawals from a badly prescribed drug that my new doc nearly fell out of his seat over.

Since I have been with the new doc I have been given new drugs a management plan, so I can get social security benefits etc. Considering I have not earned a cent since the middle of Feb I really need to get that under control as soon as possible. Which would be fantastic and take one more pressure out of my life and give me a chance to be normal.

RSR (my business) is now offically closed for business for the next 5 months at least since I cannot run it. I did 2 hours work yesterday and ended up an emotional mess. Its just proves that what the doc said was true , and that is that I am truly burnt out. Not something I like to admit to myself even on a good day.

So I have a plan for the next 5 months anyway, I am not getting another car for now, we will endeavors to save up and get one as soon as we can afford it, I would like to go to Qld over Christmas to see Kelly's parents and spend some time up there so I will still be purchasing the camping gear etc.

Ok time for me to go again. And SKP love ya mate, thanks for the words I needed them.

The Horse

Feeling suicidal

2006-07-06T17:42:00.000+10:00

Not feeling the best today, I am down and want to not be hear right now, had a huge day and it looks like it will be even bigger on Monday now I have to see the psych again
not good at all right now

Death seems so welcoming right now.. Wonder if it really is ? Maybe I can find out.

The horse

I cant write again today?

2006-07-04T21:06:00.000+10:00

Just a quick post I cant seem to be able to write very well right now. Will post when I can

the Horse

The last of my Grandparents

2006-07-04T14:00:00.000+10:00

I said goodbye today for what is probably the last time to my Grandmother the last of my Grand Parents I am sure she did not know who I was. She is due for more surgery after having her bowel removed 3 weeks ago this type to remove and infection. She told me the best of luck with the rest of my life, I finsihed by saying I love you. and she hung up.

Im upset right now

But all I can say is that I have loved her my entire life she did the best she could by me and now its all over for her, and me I still wear my grandfathers ring and I hope Sarah my sister gets the other rign the one on her hand. I loved nana she was my mum when my adopted mum could not be. I pray she has a smooth transition to heaven.

I love you nan.

The Horse

Low Mans Lyric.

2006-07-02T22:45:00.000+10:00

This is a short post from me but long post on lyrics. The songs name is low mans lyric its from Metallica Re-load album, but it tells you how I feel right now. I just wrote down something tonight I have not dealt with and it pouts me in this place

My eyes seek reality
My fingers seek my veins
Theres a dog at your back step
He must come in from the rain

I fall cause I let go
The net below has rot away
So my eyes seek reality
And my fingers seek my veins

The trash fire is warm
But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bare to see
What I've let me be
So wicked and worn

So as I write to you
Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'Cause low man is due

Please forgive me

My eyes seek reality
My fingers feel for faith
Touch clean with a dirty hand
I touched the clean to the waste

The trash fire is warm
But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bare to see
What I've let me be
So wicked and worn

So as I write to you
Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'Cause low man is due

Please forgive me
Please forgive me
Please forgive me

So low the sky is all I see
All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain
Though he just wants right back out again

And I cry, to the alley way
Confess all to the rain
But I lie, lie straight to the mirror
The one I've broken, to match my face

The trash fire is warm
But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bare to see
What I've let me be
So wicked and worn

So as I write to you (yeah)
Of what is done and to do (yeah)
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'Cause low man is due

Please forgive me
Please forgive me

So low the sky is all I see
All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain
Though he just wants right back out again

The Horse

To create world's .

2006-07-01T11:02:00.000+10:00

This will be a strange post. So you have been warned. The ultimate power you would think, to create worlds build armies, command a nation. Well its not unless you are creating them yourself. It was Sony's advertising that said you could command armies create worlds etc. But this was limited by the parameters of the game you were playing. If I were to follow their motto then I have destroyed nations' created and commanded armies, been the hero more times than I can count. But its not what this post is about.

As a writer, I am given no boundaries no place in time, no limits to what I can create. It is my job to lie to you to make you believe for the time you are reading that the characters are real and that you are there. That is truly my only boundary. To create a world of details, of places time and reality for the characters is a power that very few will ever enjoy, to make or break a character at your own will. To make scenario's where people interact in an environment that only exists on paper new world's where things and people only exist to make the story.

What is important in these worlds these places is a character. A character is often a mix of different people you know, of other characters from other books, or even an idealized individual. We have the power to make you like or dislike a character, they can be the key to the books plot or simply a character that we pass through. We strive to make them believable to tell a story through them.

Emotion feelings are so important to a book or novel, without the feeling in the writing there is no novel no place in space and time that is believable. Its the job of the author to take you there to immerse you in the environment and the characters to make the unbelievable believable. To take you there and bring you back safely.

One of my favorite stories from Ursula LeGuin is called Rocannon's World, where she creates a world that is believable builds some strong distinct characters and a heart breaking pace. She creates a world that for a moment in time is yours a place you can believe then she kills off a key character and its a race to the end, who will win who can make it. She interlaces a sub plot and makes the world real for the reader. It is my job to do that to a reader, make them believe what I am typing, even though the only place that the places and time exist is in your mind and in my words

Creating a novel is challenging and in depth, it places parts of your mind at risk, but it allows the author to lie to you to convince you that the world the people and the plot are real.

I will start a new blog in the next couple of days away from blogger where I will post parts of my novel as it progresses. Please look out for the link.

The Horse

The Car.

2006-06-29T15:50:00.000+10:00

Well people I promised an update.. So here it is. We took it for a test drive and we are extremely happy with what we drove, so fingers crossed that the money comes through tomorrow, and we will be right to go get it for this weekend. Wooo hoo that might mean a trip up the bush for some fun over the weekend. So keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us as we all need a break and for something to go our way right now.

The Horse

Excited

2006-06-29T12:41:00.000+10:00

Well all I am afraid to say this but there is one excited horse here today, going to look at what could be our new (second hand) car. Have to wait till 1.15 pm however before I can ring and make a time to go see it. This will be the first vehicle I have purchased since 2002. So yes I am a bit excited. On the down side we were looking at another car but they were wanting to much and taking all the good stuff off it before it was sold and still wanted top dollar. When will people learn when you advertise something "as is" it does not mean go strip everything off it including the tiers. And replace it with old worn out ones.

On this particular vehicle it would add up to be another $3000.00 to get it on the road, so we went and looked locally and I found something I hope that will suit our needs even better.

Wish me luck will report back once I have been and seen it. Still waiting on the cash to pay for it but that should be sorted tomorrow. So wish us luck.

The Horse

When will he make up his mind ?

2006-06-28T21:44:00.000+10:00

I must say this has been a hard day in a lot of ways. We thought we were going to Sydney next week to get a second hand car, however after being stuffed around for the 6th time I am getting one local, hope to test drive it in the pm tomorrow. That is all background. Since we were going to Sydney we thought we would do the right thing and get Zoe's biological father to meet her since the last time he saw her was the week they left the hospital some 5 years ago.

Now out frustration levels are through the roof over a lot of issues and his lack luster attitude on the phone means we are not going to make an effort to go see him quite simply because he seems disinterested. I am concerned because Zoe is not going to meat him. When is this guy going to let us know when he wants to spend some time with Zoe or he is going to leave us alone for good. I am frustrated and angry . Should I be? He is hurting my little girl and he does not even realize he is. Even worse Zoe has never met her brothers. Wish this guy would make up his mind.

We keep offering to make it easy on him to meet her he just seems to not give a shit. Yes I am angry but nowhere as angry as Kelly. Its all frustrating as hell, this guy does not want his daughter. I don't understand the mentality, its just stupid, she is such a cool little girl yet he misses out and so does she.

What do we do readers? Do we keep putting up the opportunities for him ? Do we pull away all together? What do we do with a guy who cant make up his damn mind?

I feel a personal attack when he does this to Zoe it upsets me to know that she is missing out because to be honest he does not appear to give a shit. She is missing out on him and her brothers because of his attitude. I will tell you I am really mad over all of this.

Let me know what you think.

The Horse

Cant write

2006-06-24T20:01:00.000+10:00

I am finding it hard to write a lot, right now I just deleted a full A4 page of text on what is it to be Human, I started but could not see it through to the end. I am suffering a major writers block . I still cant write my novel right now either, its really frustrating. So please bear with me as I get through this stage, I get the feeling its far more complicated than I imagined. This is not a simple thing that passes like it used to be. With bipolar 1 and my other issues working together I am having issues with everything, my writing is just not flowing. I am trying to write more novel right now but cant. I need to go again now I will try and post some more "normal" stuff like I used to but right now I have major writers block

The Horse

Feeling Angry

2006-06-24T18:23:00.000+10:00

As of the day before yesterday I have been on new meds for my Bipolar, and they are having a reasonable effect in that my mind has slowed a lot but not like the previous medication I was placed on. However there are no side effects like the last on that I can see or feel yet...

The thing that I have noticed is how angry I really am. I am so angry most of the time angry at my past angry at little things all the time. The slightest thing sets me off and makes me angry for ages. I am wondering now that my mood is stabilized , whether this is the true me underlying all this psychosis. I am angry at everything and everyone right now. I don't feel like being funny I don't , want to talk to others about it.

Hopefully I will get over it soon.

The Horse

Peoples and Ego.

2006-06-23T22:03:00.000+10:00

I have been meaning to post this for a while and it concerns a young guy I have been in contact with over the web, he is from New Zeland, and to begin with I thought he was an alright kid. One thing that we had to talk about was ubuntu and Kubuntu, since he was trying and using both on his computer.

Let me give you a bit of background on this Kid yes he is 17 and yes he is a kid. He dropped out of school because "They keep telling me what to do and I don't want to do that stuff". Well I was talking pretty much everyday with this kid and helping him when he was on a downer. Well about 3 weeks ago, yes the week after the major event, he and I ended up in an argument because he did not like my point of view concerning Microsoft software and the fact I prefer to use open source. For those who know me you will know I have done nothing but support MS products for nearly 15 years and I am a highly qualified technician. Well his attitude was if you don't agree with me then I am going to block you on messenger and call you a MS hater. Which is not the case. I simply pointed out to him the failings of MS software. Which he did not agree with. So we spent a 2 weeks avoiding each other. He finally said hi again yesterday.

Well it did not last long I reblocked him tonight after I asked him "wtf is your header about man that's strange" He had put a URL in his header which made it hard for me to work out who he was. Well he called me rude, I explained my position and the fact that I was kidding with the comment.

He said "well if your going to be like that I will block you." Well to be honest I blocked him, first I will not be treated that way by a kid who is so far up himself to even realize he was being silly and I was joking. This kid has such a huge chip on his shoulder he needs someone to knock it off and to bring him down a level or 2. He even had the audacity to join an adults only site at which I am a mod, expecting I would protect him from the other Moderators.

Why am I blogging about this little shit? Well because he reminds me of all of the people who have been in my life. You help them out once then they treat you like they own you. My mother is a classic for that and there will be another post shortly. So as far as I am concerned he is out of my life and I am about to message him letting him know not to talk with me again I am not interested.

Why do people do that to me, fuck it he has stressed me out again.

oh well its done he has his message and has been removed from my messenger

The Horse

oh yeah don't do that shit to me no more I aint going to take it. As this site says "its my life my way" and I mean it from now on. No one takes advantage of my good nature no more.

My better half

2006-06-19T19:08:00.000+10:00

Now I know she wants to kill me for this but Everyone should see my fantastic other half, I snapped this without her knowing

ALL GONE BABY!!!!! I DELETED IT!!

ha no it aint...

Love you babe

The Horse

Side Effects

2006-06-19T14:37:00.000+10:00

Well being on these pills is all fine a good, but one of the side effects is being extremely light headed. I have collapsed twice in the last 24 hours. So I call Greater southern Health services and they have no one who can talk to me right now. OK this is not the first time this has happened. They said we will get someone to call you back. Ok we will see if they will actually do that.. Could be interesting but somehow I don't believe it... If no response by the morning I will have to be there anyway for an appointment so they will have to deal with me then.

Going on last time they are not going to want to be doing that, as it makes them uncomfortable.

It makes me wonder sometimes if the drug companies really understand the reaction between different medications, because this one isn't fun.

The Horse

Well I made the call....

2006-06-18T11:53:00.000+10:00

Well I made the call. Ohh the joys of family. I got the bad news first my only surviving grand parent has had a full bowel resection and is not too good. Then it was onto, how could you do this to us. Well sorry to tell them as I did it was not me but my illness and they needed to go get some info on it, as it would help explain a lot of my actions over the past 12 months. I also slammed my mother over a few things she had done to me as a kid she backed down very quickly when they were mentioned.

Then it was onto dad. Dad did not even want to talk with me last time today was no different, but I think I got through somewhere that I was not well, that I was sick and that they needed to learn about my illness. That way they could understand for themselves what was going on in my head. Well as best as anyone can. They could then see the patterns and behaviors that are obvious to anyone else.

Dad asked the question "so can you have an operation to fix it" my answer of course was NO. Then explained to him that I would have it the rest of my life. That there was no easy answers. Told him that I still had unsolved issues around his illness as well that I had not been able to deal with.

Overall it was a fairly good call mind you I had to set the ground rules first. I.e if it was going to be about them and what they wanted then I was going to hang up. We will see if I finally got through. If they care enough I am sure they will go find out about my illness from and independent source. If not well I am sure they don't want me in their lives.

The Horse

Why cant they understand?

2006-06-18T10:43:00.000+10:00

Its a simple question. Why cant they understand. Who you ask ? My adopted parents. I want to know why they cannot understand that I am not well, why they cannot understand that I cannot deal with things that they find easy? Why do they insist that I am making all this up? Why does it always come back to them and what they want ?

I have tried to talk to them about my illness and they don't want to listen, it becomes about them. Yes I have treated them terribly in the last few years but prior to that it was never the case. I love them both dearly but I cannot deal with them right now. Its impossible for me to understand their position on this illness when it is obvious to everyone else including me that I have it. The only sanity I get from this whole situation is that they live 5 hours away.

Anyway I have decided to give it another go and try and call them this morning. I will post again to let you know how we go.

The Horse

The week that was...

2006-06-16T22:27:00.000+10:00

Well another week survived in what as been an interesting time in both my relationship and with my mental health. I am going to continue posting here more regularly as part of my move forward with my life and so others can read how I go and see it bones and all.

The week that has been, has been both traumatic and greatly uplifting. Traumatic in the form of the last post, I am going to be honest that hurt like hell. I am still reeling from the pain and heartache that came out when I typed that out. It was not easy to do at all, but I am glad I did. Some people have not returned since I posted it and others have. I was very surprised that one young guy from Western Australia has continued to read considering the meaning of my admission. He has shown wisdom beyond his years, and I truly appreciate his honesty, even though I know it must be causing him some conflict. Thanks mate, it means a lot to me right now.

To another friend SKP thanks for your words, they made me feel better on a day I was feeling pretty low and questioning everything I knew. You are right the only thing that matters is my love and dedication for one woman. My woman, the love of my life and my soul mate. We are working through the issues as they arise, and we are coming to terms with them, and working together to make this work. More importantly we are closer now than at any other point in our relationship. We have worked things through in a productive manner and have joined several online groups to help us both.

They were the uplifting moments for the week of blogging, the best moment of the week came today when Zoe received her silver merit award at school. It was awesome to see her receive it, but that has not stopped the anger towards the school and them dragging their feet with her learning. Grrr angry horse... Kelly is off to see the school on Monday so if you hear of a mother committing mass murder it was her.

On the drug front, wow what 2 little white pills can can do to a manic mind. I will tell you I am at peace in my head right now, they work I cannot believe I can focus on something without it making me want to vomit, or me getting distracted by other thoughts. I still loose my train of thought but that is because I have been distracted by the beauty walking round the house or sitting.... Gad dammit she did it again...

I am on meds now for the period I must wait until I can see the psych in a full session all I can say is that it has made a huge difference. I feel whole and complete and I am starting to be able to deal with things as they happen. I know that sounds small but for everyone else out there who does it everyday it is. But for me its a major thing.

Ok I am leaving this be again tonight there will be more over the weekend

The Horse

Confessions of a lost soul..

2006-06-11T10:19:00.000+10:00

Well this is the post I have been promising for some time now. Today is the first time that I have felt comfortable enough to tell you all what transpired some three weeks ago.

To do this I have to tell you all something that I have kept a secret for most of my adult life, in fact until recently all of my adult life. That is ... I like guys as well as girls. Yes I am Bi. Woa that hurt to say still. It is something that I know some people are not going to want to read. Some people are going to say what is the big deal. Some will never return to my blog. I understand all those reactions right now. That is fine, I am finding it hard enough to come to terms with right now myself. But hey that is life.

It all came to a head about 3 weeks ago when the better half found out and I was forced to deal with several things.

(1) My feelings about me.
(2) The fact that my medication was not working.
(3) The fact that I liked guys .
(4) The fact I had been lying to myself and others for a long time.
(5) The fact I could now loose the only person I truly cared about.
(6) The fact I was suicidal again.

Not easy things to deal with when your not suffering from bipolar, now add that on top and you have an idea of what I was dealing with. Well on the night in question, I ended up driving off after the other half found out. I was so shocked as I finally realized deep down inside what was going on with me. The fact that I was deeply unhappy suffering alone in some ways with an illness that was not under control. The pain caused by incidents when I was a child were magnified 10 fold by the fact that I was unable to deal with my own sexuality.

It ended up with the better half calling the police because I was truly suicidal, and to be honest with my readers as I have always been I nearly failed to take a corner at high speed. The better half and I talked on the phone till I made it home and I finally spoke to a councilor and the police about what was going on in my head.

Well as you can imagine it has been an interesting road since. I am still yet to have my session with the psychiatrist, but was told on Friday it would be before the end of the month. I am 100% medication free right now, until I do see him and it is horrible, I am swinging from mania for 7 days to depressed for 10. Its no fun. They are keeping a close eye on me to make sure I stay safe and only on Friday was I given some meds to slow the brain down so I can sleep.

The other half and I have had a tough road since. I have let her into my world a world of mixed sexuality, which is different. In her eyes her competition has just doubled and one half of that has something she does not. Its been hard for the both of us. Me to open up to her about a world I have kept secret, to deal with the fact I like guys as well. On some level I still struggle with that fact. Its not something easy for me to do. I have been told my whole life its immoral wrong and wrong by my religion. I am still struggling on that level. I still ask why god made me so wrong. This is not a case of choice it is who I am. I am scared of what I am right now, but I am trying to accept it.

The other half has been wonderfully through all of this. She could have run, but she did not, she stayed. Helped me come to terms with things. We have spoken in depth every day since that night about me and us and how we make this all work. We have joined an online group called HUGS to see how other couples work through this. It is important to both of us that we manage to make this happen. Not just for us but for Zoe the innocent one in all of this.

My fears are now stronger than ever. My last couple of posts have been way to angry for me. But I think it reflects the anger I felt at myself and others for their treatment of me over the years. The fact I feel I was forced to lie to everyone. The fact I was made to be someone I was not by others and their expectations of me. Yes I probably agreed along the way. But understanding Bipolar as I now do, there were some for certain that took advantage of those inconsistencies in my behavior. My adopted parents are amongst those people.

How do I move forward from here ? More to the point how do we move forward from here? Its not an easy question to answer. In fact its one of the hardest things to answer right now. I know that I have to get better and better treatment for what I have, that will help a lot. Get myself under control with my illness. That will make all the difference to me and to the other half. The Bi sexuality has been interesting, because now I can be honest with those I know from that world, with out having to live in fantasy to feel accepted. Its interesting that I have come to this point. Because I never thought it would ever come to this. In some ways the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

The other major thing that has happened and no one but the other half and I know about this at this stage is that I declared bankrupt a couple of weeks ago. After running a huge business and several others, I can no longer cope with it. The mental illness has taken its toll on me. I am scared of the phone the post office and several other things in my life. I can no longer cope with it all. I have been fighting in court over a debt I do not owe and I can no longer do it. Rather than continue the fight I have declared bankrupt. This is for 2 reasons. 1 I need the time to heal who I am 2 I need the break from the financial pressures.

To top this period off I have been offered a major job at the end of next year which will be everything I have ever wanted. I believe God was behind all this, he knew the lies were tearing me apart, he knew I was not being honest with myself and that I needed too. Only once I did, did things change for me. I am still raw from the events that have happened over the past couple of weeks.

Comments for this post are not necessary, I wont ask you to comment. If you want to of course feel free.

This is my life now, no one else's, I am growing as a person and for the first time I know what true love is. To Kelly.... I love you for who you are and the dedication you have shown me and our relationship. I hope to be able to prove to you I can do the same.

For those who are wondering... I did not step out of the relationship... No physical contact.. But that does not excuse what did happen. To be honest people that is between me and my girl so live with it.

Also if you don't like the fact I have come out of my closet. Well to fucking bad. I am not going to kill myself for you and your bigoted attitudes. I just wish I had realized earlier that I could be supported I may have done this years ago and avoided the bipolar all together. But life is life.

The Horse

Its been a while

2006-06-08T22:10:00.000+10:00

Ok I know its been a while since I was here and posted. Yes slack of me I know. But to be honest I have needed some time. I had a major incident not long ago, and have had to work through it with my doctors and medical team. It seems my meds are not working right now and I have a lot of things on my plate.

I have wanted to share with you but right now my primary focus is no dealing with the issues before me and to bring myself forward into a new place. Out of my darkness and out of the pain I have lived every day for the past 15 years.

It has not been an easy couple of weeks for myself or the better half and I will soon be ready to tell you what transpired to make things as they were. Some of you are going to be shocked I know others will not be.

As for my life and its meaning, and what is unconditional love well I have found out for the first time in my life. The person has been amazing and has stood by me though I probably did not deserve it. She has been amazing, I have never experienced a love like it, where someone takes you for what you are not what others think you should be.

I am of course talking about the blond other half... Well she isn't blond right now. She is amazing I don't think I knew about love till I met her now I truly know what love is. Its about life commitment and dedication to one another. Not just in words written on a page but in actions words and forgiveness. Understanding one another is something I have never experienced. I wish we had met earlier I know my life would have been different.

For now this is all I am posting.. I will tell you all about what has happened, and give you a deeper insight. But not today

The Horse

Scared.

2006-05-29T23:55:00.000+10:00

After a full 24 hours of anger directed at my parents tonight I am scared. Of what you might ask? Of lots of things of my sanity my future my past. It all seems so hard tonight, I want to feel good every day even when things go wrong. I cant seem to do that, it took one phone call and I have been off kilter ever since.

Ohh well I am to tired to care right now time for me to sleep, to join the land of make believe and drift away.

The Horse

While I am at it....

2006-05-29T09:52:00.000+10:00

I told the other half I hated her last night because she was right yet again. While I am at it ranting about my parents I want to ask this question.

What in the Hell was so wrong with me that you had to give me up for adoption?
Was I that much of a problem?
Did you not love me?

There I have said it... I can only wonder what my life would have been like if I had not been adopted.

No I am not a happy horse right now

The Horse

Why?Why?Why?

2006-05-28T23:16:00.000+10:00

Why do I do it to myself. I knew I was starting to weaken off tonight mentally, but I still did it. I went into the support board and helped out, now I feel worse. How bloody stupid am I. So instead of keeping myself in a safe place I have added to what was a growing anxiety from calling my parents this afternoon.

Told mum and dad about the incident last Saturday today, and they did not believe me. Why the hell am I not surprised. Their lives are far more important than their sons, it just brings back all those feelings of being inadequate. I was told from a young kid I was lucky to have been chosen to be their son. That I was worthless with out them and what they wanted. Hell why did I end up adopted to them?

The only people who saw what was going on and tried to help are gone from my life. Damn it why did I end up with them. Shit .....

Why are they so self centered that the only thing they could say is why did you not call on last Saturday night when it happened. Why because I had the police looking for me, and to be honest they were the last people on earth I needed to talk too. I needed a councilor and that is who I ended up talking too. Why is it always about them. WHY?

I am so mad at them right now. The only thing that matters is them and their lives. Shit, why do I still care, what the hell is wrong with me that I let them still be part of my life. I must be nuts to put up with it. Its about them them them and them, what they can get what they want, and fuck me I don't deserve the shit off the bottom of their shoes. No wonder I am so fucked up. Ahhhh... Selfish, self centered, self serving people. Why do I let it happen. I hate it more and more. They stuffed up a three day streak of feeling good.

What do I do? Do I walk away? Do I try again to tell them? Do I scream at them till they listen? Do I get someone else to tell them? The problem is they don't believe there is anything wrong with me. It was the same when I tried to kill myself at 15. Grow up is what they said. Shit I was 15 how in the hell was I supposed to do that? I told them today thatI was mentally ill and diagnosed and mum said "that's garbage, its a cop out there is nothing wrong with you. Its just another reason not to talk to us." You know what that makes me so so mad. They don't take me seriously at all. They cant work out why I don't want to talk to them. Well that's why, because you think my life my feelings are a joke, but I am supposed to be sorry for how they feel all the time. No bloody way.

I am going to wipe my hands of them, I am fucked up enough without them adding to it even more. I am so angry. No wonder I don't want to talk to them, and why I find it necessary to lie to them. Shit I tell them the truth and they don't want to hear it.

To Mum and Dad take this on board YOU HAVE NO SON... I mean it that was the last straw. Fuck you and your self serving attitudes. I don't want to be treated this way anymore.

There I have said it done. Sorry about the language but I am angry and they deserve every last letter of it.

The Horse

My Friday...

2006-05-26T17:28:00.000+10:00

First lets start with yesterday, not a great day, have been told there may be something physically wrong with me also... Wtf else could be wrong with me. Anyway things went pretty much according to plan for the rest of the day, and had a huge load of stress removed later in the afternoon. Wooo hooo. Now to today, it was a late night here but we were up early with the little girl and her friends who were staying over. Had an interesting start with the loss of our internet connection, but I had a win found out some interesting stuff and got our web connection sorted out all within a day. Totally amazing that was. That never ever happens to me, its normally a 4 month saga to get things sorted out. Then on top of that and what made it even better was the fact that they managed to sort it out 3 days ahead of schedule. Go a good telco.

So I am back here tonight to blogg to the world that things are again looking up for me it has been a hard hard week since the events of late last week, but now I am finally moving forward again, into a new future, where I can deal with some of those nasty issues that are floating around in my head.

To Kelly thank you for everything you have done this week not only did you save my life but you have helped me out on the road to a full recovery. With drugs counseling and your help I am sure we can make it together.

The Horse

PS have a good blog brewing.. so look out world its going to be a rant

This weeks Renter..

2006-05-25T16:42:00.000+10:00

Hey all please go check this guy out for his unique view through the lens. What a great site. Images are interesting and the short commentary, help make sense of some of the more abstract images. Its for the connoisseur to the first time art viewer, go check him out.

The Horse

My day...

2006-05-24T19:57:00.000+10:00

Well all I had an interesting day. In a lot of ways. It actually started last night when the better half and myself went shopping. We somehow or other managed to blow a heater hose and pumped all the water out of the car. Great start. The Hose was so short it wasn't funny. Why oh why did they use a piece of hose in that spot? Anyway we got home without killing the car. Waited for it to cool down. 11.30pm last night to put water back in it and find the hole in the said hose. Once I got up this morning had a 9.30 appointment with my mental health worker. I went out and proceeded to remove the broken hose.

Now I must say my experience with the cost of these ohh so short hoses is quite scary. I remember my Landrover Discovery did one once and it was $50.00 for a 3 inch piece of hose. So here I am walking into town today, thinking this is going to hurt the back pocket. More of this later.

This morning was freezing 1 degree c this morning at the time I had to walk the 3 kms into the place for my appointment. Now those who know me will know I was so so scared of going today, especially after what happened over the weekend. But all went well got there on time, then spent 2 hours talking my little heart out. Found out some interesting stuff. Firstly my drugs are not a high enough dose. Apparently the doctor did not give me enough. Secondly they were surprised it had taken me so long to come see them. They said any one of the issues I brought up would be enough to bring most people undone. So tomorrow I am going to their doctor and will be subscribed some new drugs on a stronger dose. They also confirmed I am Bi-Polar in more ways than one.

Have a big meeting with the Psych in a week or so after they stabilize me on the new drugs. I walked out of there with far more knowledge than I walked in with. My fears had been put aside and there is a long road ahead but its better than death.

Back to the car. Because I was walking I had to go right past REPCO auto parts so I dropped in to see if they had the piece of hose. Well my luck is that a guy who I had purchased a heap of tools of late last year served me and remembered me. He looked at the bit of hose, then in the Mitsubishi parts book then the computer. He looked serious and I could feel some serious pain in my wallet. He said $39.95 +GST. Ouch I thought. Wont have one for a couple of days he said. Damn I thought. He picked up the piece of hose. "hmm" he said "this is just heater hose". He walked out the back and came back with a roll of hose. Cut me a bit of it a bit longer than the bit I brought in. Handed it over.

I asked how much. He said "have a nice day. No charge for a good customer like you". Wooo hooo I had a win. Even better when I got home after a detour to get some smokes for the better half it fitted and we have a car on the road again. Cool so happy that he did that. So I had a winning day.

The Horse

Not Good Today!!

2006-05-23T12:41:00.000+10:00

Frustrated, annoyed, pissed off, what else can I use to describe how I feel. Ohh yeah shitty. I am so so annoyed at the way I feel right now, the drugs seem to work when they feel like it. Shit I hate this, I have been battling since I woke up this morning.

I truely hate this feeling when its here.. Damn it. Wish I did not have days like this. The other half is out, and i need to get a form from in town today. Ohh well who gives a rats. I am past that point already.

The Horse

I stuffed up!! BAD..

2006-05-22T21:27:00.000+10:00

Before I start this post, I want those who know what's going on, to stop judging me for what I did. Yes I know it was wrong, but that did not stop me. Secondly you may throw stones at this glass house if you have never in your entire life done anything to hurt someone you loved. Did not think there would be too many left, to take a shot. Those who are concerned know who they are, they often forget I know their past as well.

Ok now I am not trying to explain what I did and I am not going to tell you all what I did. I will say however that I have been loosing my fight with my illness recently and I have done something for which I am ashamed. I hurt the one closest to me. The only person who has never wanted something from me. The only person who has ever loved me for me, not for what they can get from me, or how much money they can con me into handing over. I hurt someone I have loved for most of my adult life. For that I am truly sorry, I am humbled by my stupidity, arrogance and ignorance for what I was doing. I followed a pattern of wanting to watch others suffer without really realizing I had done it.

To the person concerned, we have talked in depth over the past couple of days about what I have done, but I assure you I will get help for my issues, I cannot do this on my own especially when I do something so stupid that I hurt you, the only person in my life who has ever given a damn.

What happened to me? Well I nearly committed suicide when I realized what I had been doing, and I cannot still at this point understand why I did that. I have way to much to loose. My drugs are obviously not working right now, and I am off to see my health care worker on Wednesday with the intention of getting to the bottom of these daemons that make me do mean and cruel things to those near me. I know it is not going to be a quick fix and I have no idea where all of this will end up right now. No guarantees no promises other than I will do my best.

To the love of my life I am sorry, I know its not enough to take away the pain and the hurt I caused you, I know I can never repair the damage I did during this stupid time in my life. I still love you more than you will ever know, please forgive me and help me get through all of the other stuff I have to deal with. I don't want to do it on my own, and I still truly love you. I am still your friend and I hope you are still mine. Friends that got together to be more than that. I am a fool I nearly threw it all away for something that was not real. I have never ever done something like that before and I hope never to do it again.

The horse.

Last post for a while.

2006-05-21T15:12:00.000+10:00

This will be my last post for a while. I have some personal issues I must deal with over the coming weeks. I will try and post when I can.

I appreciate the support you have all shown me.

The Horse

Recovery

2006-05-18T15:31:00.000+10:00

Today I am recovering from my trip to the abyss. Sleep brought some peace but I was crying I know at several points during the night. I am frustrated with myself for falling for giving into the blackness. It is not a nice place but can be very peaceful. Or is the peace simply there because I can no longer fight? Today I feel weak, mentally very weak, but I am gaining strength again. I have started fighting the darkness and light is ahead.

I have always promised to be honest in my postings and I am right now when I say I feel embarrassed by last nights post, I am embarrassed because what I wrote was immensely personal, I was afraid and lonely in my soul, my daemons had won a battle and I could no longer fight. Sleep took me to my safe place but it was a long journey, I was sad and crying for a while, till I made it there. The safe place is on a beach, in the warm sun, far away from here and now. A place where the only sounds are the waves and the cooling breeze off the ocean. Once I am there I am safe from the daemons, safe to recover from my trauma.

At the dawn and my awakening I leave that place to come to here. A reality the world we live in. I begin the fight again for another day away from the abyss, away from the place where I can find peace and fear at the same time. I look at the world through fractured glass out of context not quite there, but today is a good day. Another day to be happy I am alive. To be me, to recover from the darkness that surrounded me. Today I will win my battle, another victory mark, I will win in the end but the battle is far from over.

The Horse

The daemons within!

2006-05-17T23:20:00.000+10:00

Why must you be there.?
Why must you take shots at my sanity?
Why must I feel you want me hear no more?
Why cannot I win this fight?
I am so tired why must I go on?

The blackness is here, its surrounds me in this place, I have fallen into the abyss the place I fear. Its peaceful here, in the black, I have no reason for hope no reason for being. There is something to be said of this peace, no more fighting no more future no present no past. Its still calm, is this what death is like?

Why cant anyone understand this, why cant they see the daemons inside me.. Why are they always here, they are always waiting to burst out to explode into existence.. To take my sanity away. To strip away me. I am lost in this blackness, a place where others dare not go. A place where the daemons play within my soul. I did not ask for this, I did no ask for the pain you created. I want to scream out at the world, to take it apart and put it together to match my fractured existence.

I am surrounded by people who care, who want to help, but right now they seem far away. I am peaceful in my blackness right hear right now. I did not ask for my life, it was thrust upon me my soul with daemons thrown into this body, into this life. I want to scream yell at the world, why did you do this to me, why did you make me this way. I was not born like this why did you do this to me.

You cannot understand these feeling I barely do. Its part of my daemons my personal war I fight. I bare my soul in the hope of some comfort, to rid myself of all of this, to be free to be normal. I asked once if I am going mad, well tonight I am.

Why am I not right, why must I be ok one minute and not the next.. This is not fair on anyone around me those that want to help, I cant keep doing this to them or me because if I do they will not be hear and I will be alone.. This fractured existence the tormenting of my soul my daemons, they are hear, they are stalking me in the darkness. I hope to escape into sleep, maybe there I can find some true peace. There I will find my place of light no more of the darkness no more of the fear sleep will bring peace.

The Horse

What would it be like to be immortal?

2006-05-17T18:24:00.000+10:00

Can you imagine, what it would be like never to be able to die?

Some people think this would be fantastic, something to wish for: To live for ever. But could we really do it? One thing that makes us human, that makes us who we are is the fact that one day, we know we are going to die. From the moment we are born and take our first breath, it is an inevitable conclusion to our lives. As we grow and age we get closer to that point. Some people turn to God for comfort in the afterlife, others simply try by whatever means possible to stay young.

It is our death and not knowing when it will be that is important to who we are, its why time is so important to us, every second of every minute, because we dont know when the end will come. If we were never going to die, would we think the same? Would we be the same? I think not, with no need to worry about death you could be anyone, be anything over time and it would never matter, your legacy will be you as you are still here even after the people you are with are gone.

What about love, friends and relationships, all of the things that we hold dear. To quote Queen "Who wants to live forever, who needs to live forever, when love must die?" Could you imagine finding the love of your life, and then mourning the fact you outlived her for the rest of eternity. Not being able to die would be horrible, living without feeling, without love and the loss you would endure along the way. I cannot imagine the pain of living forever, or the joys.

There are plenty of things that would make being immortal awsome also. Living through history, through great events, seeing the world grow and develop through your own eyes. Imagine having lived through the time of the Roman's or the time of Henry VIII. Can you imagine the memories, the storys you could tell, of real life people, of real times you witnessed. An amazing thing it would be. Knowing that no one can kill you ever, would be an awsome feeling also. The stored knowledge from living so long the influence you could have. All great things but...

For me I am glad that one day I will no longer walk this earth, that I will find my place in God's presence. I hope that my legacy is one of compassion of hope and of learning to be me. I also hope along the way I can help some others. Death is not be be feared its just another process for our souls, and I think to be made immortal would be a torture reserved for the worst of the worst. They can have all the pain the suffering as they lose those important to them, the constant loss, the fear of being found out, the lies they must use to conceal themselves. The knowledge that they are different.

The book I am currently writing (sci fi) explores this issue, its been an interesting journey so far. But how do you end a book on someone who is immortal ?

The Horse.

Ramblings Of a Desert Madman

2006-05-17T01:28:00.000+10:00

Well not sure how this post will turn out, considering I have a bad stomach wog that has gone through the whole family and I am still awake at 1.30am. I love the above title and it is the title of the renter this week. He tells us on his most recent blog that it was from a failed poem, I however think it could be made into a great novel, brilliant novel for the right person.

The more I read of his writing the more I fee like an amateur, he is truly creative and I would really appreciate you guys going over to see him. As you know I don't comment on other people works often the last one was for the work at:

www.visination.com
I also love Evans blog see my side bar and of course debambam my better half. She is far more witty than I will ever be. While I am rambling on I wish to thank her for her support I know it has not been easy for her over the past 24 months as I have struggled. I try not to hurt her but I always do. To her credit she understands most of the time, and god bless her because she is a pillar for me during the dark hard days. I wish everyone could experience the love we have for each other, I would call it the love of a lifetime. To another lady who will know who I am talking about, I am glad we seem to have put aside our differences I have always liked you. I love both your girls with all my heart and soul, you will never have to worry about that.

Zoe, the most important little girl in the whole world, I took these steps to get better for you my sweet little girl. The girl who made me 33 stars at school today for my birthday, the one little person who I would die for in an instant. I love you my girl, I love seeing your smiles your jokes and of course giving you tickles. You are now and always will be my baby girl. I hope you grow up and can be whatever you dream of, and not have them taken away like I have. My dreams for you are limited only by what you need and want, I will promise to do my best for you always. You are so so special. I want you to know the real me as you grow up, the me who loves you no matter what.

Ok I need to finish this now my major post will be tomorrow I think its nearly ready in my head.

The Horse

My blog

2006-05-15T00:46:00.000+10:00

To all of those who have posted a reply to my posts I thank you from the bottom of my heart it gives me hope. I wrote how do you save a life (see below) in the hopes that I might help explain to people what it is like to be on both sides of the story. About the hurt the anguish that is caused during those troubling times. I also wanted others who are feeling bad in the depth of a depression to know that others have been there. Those that have commented on that post I thank you for your courage in doing so, and for those who have not I truly understand why you have not.

I think at this point I should explain a little more, I write for 2 main reasons one is to help me express what has been deep down, to let out those feelings that I have kept bottled up for so long. Some of those feelings are not nice, they are painful and hard to re-live, but I feel that by doing so, I can now put them to bed. The medication I am on is helping me cope with some of the hard things I write about. Though there is a degree of emotional detachment, when writing it soon comes out afterwards when I realize what I have written. The second reason I write is in the hope I can educate or explain to others what it is like to suffer from the illness and to have experienced the things I have, in doing so I hope I can help someone by letting them know it is ok to feel like that and your not alone.

As part of that second aim I am considering setting up a second blog site where I can share some of the secrets that I have learnt that have helped keep me alive and have helped me fight the battles I have. If you think this is a good idea please let me know with a comment below, as I am happy to give it a try.

The post I have brewing is another deep post, it may go up in the morning my time or it may take a day or two but be assured it will be a major post. To those who come here regularly thank you and I hope you keep coming. If you need to reach out please do so, your life is precious even if you don't think so right now. There are good times ahead for you and there are people who understand.

The horse

My Renter...

2006-05-14T23:42:00.000+10:00

Hi guys and girls... Just a few words about my renter this week. Well I must say I check every renter, and I like this guys page a lot. It is awesome, he has great writing skills and tells it how it is. He can be fun and serious all in the same article, and is well worth a trip over to his blog.

Ok all I will go right now have another major post brewing, and the book writing is taking centre stage for the next few days. To all those mums out there hope you have had or are having a great day.

The Horse

The value of online friends.

2006-05-14T16:10:00.000+10:00

Online friends, the people you never really meet but you share a part of your life with. Some people end up meeting and it ruins the relationship others become friends for life.

I think those online relationships that are based on lies never work out in real life, however those that are based on truth will the same as in real life. I have always valued my online friends as they are often part of my support network. Those that are not or I have invited into that part of my life, are great as well because I can just have fun with them online and listen to what their lives are like. Over the years I have made some great friends some who I have lost some who I have stayed with since as early as 1992.

Its a great place to meet people to find out about other walks of life and generally escape from the world, which can sometimes be very harsh. To all online friends everywhere I hope you enjoy it as much as I do

The Horse

What's behind those eyes ?

2006-05-08T23:08:00.000+10:00

I find it hard to look myself in the eyes. I am scared to look, I am afraid of what I might see, afraid that I will see the fractures the darkness hidden within. The eyes are a window to the soul. Will looking in them confirm what I already know. I am not ready for that, I am not ready to see the darkness within, the horror of my past. I am not ready to re-live those things that haunt me. I am also not ready to deal with them. The pain, I have seen in others eyes, are they in mine too? Or are they empty black pools like those that exist within? Are they evil, to remind me of some of the acts I have done?

They are questions I don't want answered I am not ready yet, to be able to deal with those answers should they be there. I hope that I find a person lost looking for a way forward a way out of this dark place, but I am not sure that is what I will find. I want to be out of here, and in the light, but I feel like I am loosing again right now.

The Horse

How do you make a hard decision?

2006-05-07T23:08:00.000+10:00

Hi all, just thought I would drop buy with a short one, Im stuck with a decision I need to make, unfortunately I cannot tell you what its about. However I have to make a decision that will take a lot of pressure off me now, but may affect my future in a negative way, not sure at the moment and will find out more tomorrow. I hate the not knowing more than anything and I would like a break from the pressure I have been under. It would certainly help my depression a lot not to have the pressure over my head.

On another front the story writing is slowly coming along, I am still working on the sci-fi not the depression my experiences book, I don't think I am ready to write that yet.

To all those that read my post below about suicide and did not leave a message I can understand why you haven't, please do not feel pressured to do that if you don't feel you can. Its not an easy topic to deal with I know, for most people will thankfully never have to go through the experience. So in short I do understand why you haven't left a comment, and I am happy that you have just taken the time to read it.

The horse.

Performancing.com

2006-05-06T00:54:00.000+10:00

This post is simply to test yet ANOTHER extension to the wonderous program that is FIREFOX...see my blog for a warning about a different one. By the way, this isn't your usual commentator,this is the designer AKA 'the better half' or 'debambam'..so if you don't like whats being said, tell horsey, and if you don't like how this place looks, I don't care! Well no thats not exactly true, I do, but seeing as how it's horsey's blog, if HE likes it then your stuck with it. This is after all HIS blog...get used to it.

Have fun kiddies and take a look around ok? I can see you you know.....oh and that pic down there? Thats me...after midnight.....

How do you save a life?

2006-05-04T11:07:00.000+10:00

When do you know someone is in trouble?
How do you pickup on the small actions?
When do you know someone is serious?
How do you help them through?
What if you get it wrong?

What is the cost ?

As stated in the last post this has been brewing for a while, these are questions which I can answer from both sides of the story, and give some people an insight into what has often been described as the greatest tragedy. I am of course talking of suicide. There was an article see

http://seven.com.au/news/topstories/167910

Yesterday that cemented the train of thought into one meaningful post. Before the close of today another 5 Australian men will be dead at their own hand, another 5 tomorrow and the day after. On and on it goes. What a waste of human life you say, I feel for those people I really do. I know the depth they have fallen to where there is no light in their lives, where no single action can move them out of their dark position. What is wrong with our society that we push our men to kill themselves at alarming rates. Why do we not stop this attitude that men don't cry. Why is being macho and tough all that matters in this society. The truth is it is ok to cry its ok to admit your hurt or cant cope. For those around you that don't understand, too bad. Can you imagine letting someone die in the darkest moments of their life.

I have more than once tried to kill myself and was once saved from doing it by someone who was important to me. But I gave no one any idea's I was so depressed. It was a group of things that pushed me, but the major one was loosing someone close. Since that episode I have tried twice more to end my life and I failed at both. This may shock some of those who know me, but during an 8 year battle with depression you cant always win. The scars from those episodes run deep within the soul and are not easily healed. How do you pick the signs? The answer is you cant always do that, some people will never let you know. Someone I was close to killed themselves when I was in my mid 20's I had been close and spoken to him the day before. Did I know he was in trouble ? No. It left me with many questions and a guilt of my own over the episode.

I have often heard others say he is not serious about killing himself because he has told us he is going to do it, he wont follow through. The other one that makes me red with rage. Its a guttless way out, he was a wimp to kill himself. Both of those statements are so wrong. Most people will at one stage joke about suicide I know I have, but you should take it seriously every time, its the one time you don't that you will loose someone. It is not a guttless thing to do, it takes courage and fortitude to admit you want to kill yourself and its in some ways adding to your own feelings of failure. It takes courage to take that handful of pills or to squeeze the trigger on that gun. Its not an easy thing to do to want to die rather than continue on alone.

How do you help how do you find away into their dark place, to give them a hand, to help them find a way back out of the darkness into the light? This is a risky venture, for me even more so since I know where they are, yes it helps me to help them but the cost is always high for me. It hurts me again on those fresh scars and on one occasion recently opened one back up. Its not a nice place to travel to by choice, the darkness in another's soul. Its a fear I have inside me to look in a mirror, i'm afraid of what I might see. Will I see that blackness still there deep behind my eyes? Exposing myself to help others is both a painful experience and a healing one at the same time. Twice in the past 12 months I have helped someone others have shunned, through an online group. One had just lost his parents the other had been raped as a child, only to have the rapist turn up on his door some 15 years later. Yes they were in a dark place, yes they were serious, death is an option only for the very desperate. I am glad I helped them, I am glad that today they are still both breathing air and are in the world.

The goals set out in the article are lofty by any standard, are they achievable maybe, maybe not I don't know, but something has to be done, if we can prevent 1 death a day that's another 365 people alive at the end of a full year. Its worth the fight even if we don't achieve it.

There are attitudes that make this fight difficult, a lot of males are confused as to who they are or where they are going, the blurring of lines of responsibility in the community at large have not helped those who need a place to be. It is far worse for those young men who think they may be gay in a homophobic society, where they have no help no support and no way they can tell anyone of their fears, because it is not normal to be gay in those places.

The cost for all of this loss is high 2000 people this year in Australia will kill themselves, that's the ones we are definitely sure are suicides, what about the car that did not take the corner at high speed or the one that failed to give way at the rail crossing. The numbers are probably much higher. These are men and women who should have had productive lives in our communities, who should have been helped. We have failed them, every single last one of them. Its our fault that we let them. Legislating to make suicide illegal isn't going to help, how do you arrest someone who is dead? The point is that we should never have allowed the situations to exist that lead people to the point of killing themselves. Its not fair to blame the individual as often they are not diagnosed as depressed till after an attempt or its to late. We as a society should be ashamed of what we let happen, not ashamed of those who kill themselves, its our failings that have let this be. Our failings to recognize, help, rescue those who are in dire need. We need to break down the barriers, we need to free those who are trapped within themselves.

Suicide notes are often very painful for those left behind, they leave many questions to be answered. The note was the last cry for help, the last gasp of a soul dying under a weight of darkness that cannot be described. What most people don't realize is that they are written to tell those they left behind that they are sorry they were so worthless to the world, that they are sorry they cannot cope, and that both they and the people they left behind will be better off.

There is anger left behind when someone kills themselves anger that the person who is dead did not reach out, did not tell you that they were hurting. But you cant do that on your own, when you are at that point. There is a line in a Metallica song which is relevant here... "getting lost within myself, nothing matters no one else, this deathly loss it cant be real, I cannot stand this hell I feel." That is the closest thing I have found to what it feels like to be that lost that dark. (I am crying writing this bit). Its not possible at that point to reach out. The point of no return, the slide into the black abyss.

If you even suspect someone is depressed, please try to help, but be prepared, its not easy and don't take a "I'm alright" on face value. Make sure spend some time with the person, talk to them, and most importantly tell them you want to listen. Never judge what you hear, it will be painful, disturbing and often hurtful, but you may just save a life, and who knows one day someone might just do it for you. How do you save your own life? Learn to help save someone else's.

The Horse.

Have a post brewing

2006-05-03T14:18:00.000+10:00

OK all I know I have not posted in a few days I am actually brewing a big post to come so will talk more then

The Horse

It Continues

2006-04-29T13:39:00.000+10:00

Well, tooth is still in mouth and pain has been intermittent since the use of the strong pain killers yesterday, had a good nights sleep thank goodness or I would have been a mess today. The worst thing is its still in my mouth no dentist yet. They are trying to slot me in as soon as they can, to get it out hopefully Monday another whole 2 days away. To all of you that have posted thank you, its helping me keep my sanity. The clove thing works I am also happy to say so that is a bonus.

Ok the horse is going to go and do some more writing, hope to get another couple of thousand words down today, would be fantastic if I can.

The horse

Its Friday

2006-04-28T09:52:00.000+10:00

Well the Tooth still isn't done was up at 3.00am in pain so I decided to shave my head again, and face, got rid of the ugly beard. Ended up at the hospital at 5.30am I could not take it any more and nothing was working. Doctor said... you have an exposed nerve will have to have a root canal or loose the tooth. Me happy to loose that one. I have an appointment with a dentist today I hope the "better half is checking on that now. I am scared about going not going to say any different.

Ok I am feeling buggered and the pain is subsiding thank god for the pills. Might get a snooze between now and the dentist hopefully.

wish me luck. And for those who have commented thanks, I hate pain and I am a wimp, when it comes to the dentist. But anything has got to be better than this pain.

The Horse

(hope the dentist is gentle with me)

Waiting on Dentist

2006-04-27T11:07:00.000+10:00

Well last nights sleep was interrupted with pain and the horse drinking straight scotch. Would blow a breathalizer test off the scale still. But the pain is bearable while I take the alcohol and use it to swish around the teeth. Hope we can get in today to see the dentist, even though I have an avid fear of them since having all my wisdom teeth removed in the chair. That same dentist added 8 fillings to my mouth that to this day I am sure were not necessary. I had had perfect teeth till then.

I hate how he ruined my teeth and I am not happy about it. But what can I do that was some 6 years ago now. Every filling he placed in has left me in some pain at one time or another, I have lost one tooth and now most likely another thanks to his shoddy work.

Ok enough bitching I am tired and sore so I am likely to do that. For those who suggested the clove thing in the previous post thanks.

The Horse

Pain Pain Pain !

2006-04-26T22:03:00.000+10:00

Who would have guessed it out of 28 dentists in town not one could see me today for a tooth ache. Yes its probably my fault, but that is not the point. After a shortage of doctors do we now have a shortage of dentists? I hate pain at the best of times so I was told to drink scotch straight today, so I was blind drunk by 2.00pm. Now the pain has subsided and I can tell you I have an exposed nerve that has been causing the problem.

So sometime between now and Monday I will have to go to the dentist and get this tooth removed. Ouch... Not looking forward to that but it has got to be better than all the pain.

Ok will keep you informed

The Horse

Ubuntu

2006-04-22T14:02:00.000+10:00

Yes this is going to be a post about something most people don't give a toss about but hey, its my blog. I know I have said that way to often.

Was also informed this morning my blog had been rated 4.8 or something out of ten well dahh...

Im not trying to impress anyone and if you think its that good man imagine what would happen if I tried.

Ok just to let you all know I have been using Ubuntu Linux for about a month now love it, have worked out how to tweak it so it runs even faster (horsey loves fast). So I am going to go to the bleeding edge this weekend. I am going to upgrade from Breezy to Dapper. Mmm could be dangerous but hey you only live once might as well die happy or swearing LOL.

So will let you know how I go. Love the ubuntu community they like newbies and help them out not like in other places I have been on the web.

Also while I am on Tech loaded Opera Browser 9.0b beta yesterday wow is all I have to say, but cant use it here as the tags etc don't work in that browser (dang it).

Ok I am off to keep downloading yet another 650mb but hey what's bandwidth for

The Horse

Horsey's Rant Continued

2006-04-19T16:06:00.000+10:00

Ok I thought I had this out of the system till I was watching Reuters this morning. Suicide bomber and is home video explaining why he did it. He could not have been more than 14 years old. Seriously he looked so young.

So I ask someone who looks 14 walks into a crowd of people and pulls a cord on a suicide vest. Now Tell me how is the Israel army supposed to be able to tell if that 14 year old kid throwing stones is a potential bomber. So when they do open fire in defense of themselves and kill a 14 year old or 10 year old are they right. Since it seems impossible to tell them from the bomber that killed himself and nearly 20 others.

We in the west seem to think that there are lines drawn in the sand you do not cross under any circumstances. Yes they are nice to have, but how then do you fight a war when the other side does not subscribe to the same laws. Using young boys to carry out suicide bombings. Come on he was barely old enough to have made up his own mind. Which corrupt mongrel coerced this young kid into doing this. They are truly twisted.

What truly gets me upset is the slant the media put on things as well. What they don't show you is the links between all the attacks. That there is a systematic response to every attack, and each attack and counter attack are related. So when some innocent civilian is killed, why then is it only the Muslim side that makes the headlines. 20 Jews including woman and children were killed in the latest bombing and it basically was off the news in 12 hours, yet a Muslim home was shelled and it took 3 days to fall off the news cycle. Where is the parity in reporting.

We in the west are being played as fools by both sides. Its annoying that they expect us to sort it out for them. And when we attempt to its down with the west. I say let them blow each other up. Let Israel loose on them to stop it. If the Arabs had not tried to throw the Israel state into the sea to begin with they would not have ever been occupied territories to begin with. So they have no one but their leaders to blame.

I am not anti-Muslim anti-Jewish or anti-Christian. What I am is sick of hearing religion as an excuse for violence against one another. For crying out loud which god wants us to kill each other in their name. Sounds more like a demon than a god.

The whole premise is absurd. Fighting amongst ourselves as to which of our gods is the greatest. For crying out loud Islam,Christian and Jew all have the same god. So why fight.

Ok I have had enough of this I promise this is the last and final post on this issue. For those families who are still suffering from September 11 my thoughts and prayers are still with you. As for those soldiers of the western nations that are in Iraq and Afghanistan I pray for you daily that you may come home alive. For the families of those who have been lost I pray that your sorrow has not been in vain and that their lives were not just another sacrifice for ego. For those Iraq citizens and Afghan citizens who have lost their lives during the uprisings and wars, I pray you may find peace, and comfort in the future.

We should all live in peace using religion as an excuse for war is stupid.

I pray that the body bags don't continue to be filled in the name of god and that peace can be brought to the world. A world that is growing weary every day. I pray for a world where violence is not the answer to problems and where we wont be placing children in body bags.

The Horse

Peace

Horses Rant!

2006-04-18T10:18:00.000+10:00

Its rant time the horse has had enough.

Why oh why do people feel that they must get into a car full of explosives and drive it into a building to get there point across. Yes this is about terrorism, yes I kept this till after Easter so it did not look religiously motivated. I just don't get it. Why would any sane person want to do that. To live the after life... I can understand that but to want to die right now. Come on. For what cause are you going to die.

The list of reasons are often stupid. The most annoying of these is, "you are stealing our oil". Hmm I didn't know that last night in my sleep I took an oil tanker into Iraq and piped out a couple of billion barrels then brought it and put it in my back yard. I did not steal anything. Even more annoying I am nearly paying $1.40 a ltr for fuel so I am paying for the oil I am accused of stealing. Why is it my fault that the governments of these extremists are not giving them their fair share of the oil wealth?

I must also ask what did the people in the world trade centre do to deserve to be killed? Nothing is what... Innocent non combatants. The Pentagon I can understand as a legit target after all it is a military installation. It still does not justify taking a plane full of people and flying it into a building.

what's next? I must ask this because its getting worse by the day. Governments are taking away our basic rights, to protect us, but how long till we need protecting from the Government. Even worse, are those immigrants who move to the west to enjoy freedom then preach for the destruction of the west. Osama is a classic one of those he was educated in the west now he wants us all dead.

Here in Australia we recently expelled a religious leader after he implored his followers to take violent terrorism acts against the country. What really got my goat is when people then decided to protest against his removal. I must admit I was really proud of an Australian politician who said "If you don't like the way we are then go home". Its about time someone said it to these radicals. We don't come into your country try to change your religion and bring about the downfall of your government through terrorism.

Another quote that gets my goat from these people is "When is a war crime not a war crime?" "When its committed by the US." Ok so innocent people get killed in war. Um that sort of happens in any war. Look at the first and second world war innocent civilian death counts. And flying a plane into a building is not a war crime ? I must say that is the pot calling the kettle black.

what's worse is that after the 9/11 attacks and the US went on the offensive to defend the west there were people saying "you invaded us that's not fair". Fair what's bloody fair that all those people who went to work on 9/11 in the world trade centre never came home through no fault of their own. Ok so its only fair when you attack the west and you are allowed to get away with it... Somehow there is a hole in that logic.

Ok the horse has had his rant. If you don't like what I have to say then bugger off I don't care. I just want to make a point. If it were a Christian group causing all the trouble other Christians would step in to stop it why isn't the Muslim world doing the same? Feel free to comment flames will be deleted and not read.

The Horse

Religion

2006-04-16T22:58:00.000+10:00

I am writing this in response to a post on "the better halves" blog. Religion is very important to me and has been for most of my life. Easter is a very special time for me and an important part of my life.

Religion is a very very personal thing to me and I do not discuss it often. I don't ware my beliefs on my shirt pocket and I don't preach. Jesus teaches to be humble and meek, not to be bold in your face, he preaches tolerance and peace. He talks about his father as someone who loves his people so much he gave them choice.

Choice is the most powerful thing you can give anyone. He loves us that much that he is prepared to let us choose whether we love him.

So to follow on from the "other halves" post I don't feel I have a right to impose my belief system on Zoe nor do I have a right to force her not to. I do however feel I have a duty to show her God and Jesus for her to be able to make her choice. I have enough trust in God that she will see the truth in his words and his teachings. She will hopefully then find a peace that I have found from knowing God.

I will not add any more at this point. As I have said it is a very personal thing with me, I have my own relationship with my god, and that's important to me.

The Horse

Cooking

2006-04-16T19:34:00.000+10:00

Yes the horse cooks on the odd occasion. At least a couple of times a week. One thing that I have noticed since I have gotten older is how often the simple meals are the ones I really like. Take tonight for example we had a simple pasta bake.

Take mushrooms, chop roughly, cook in tablespoon of hot oil in frypan, add garlic salt to taste, then some paprika and Taco seasoning, again to taste. Ad pork mince and cook till brown, add pasta sauce from Jar, simmer and test taste. Add more seasoning to taste. Cook 2 to 3 cups of noodles till soft.

Place noodles, pasta sauce in baking dish and mix. Place shredded cheese on top and place in hot oven for about 5 minutes till cheese has melted.

Simple.

Really filling too. I cant help myself with anything that is tomato based I make a pig out of myself with it. But its good for me and wont kill me. The good thing is if you want you can add what ever you want to it to change the flavor, I did one with bacon and mixed herbs the other night simply stunning. Goes well with any red wine or a nice cigar and port after.

Hope I have made you hungry

The Horse

Easter

2006-04-16T18:05:00.000+10:00

Happy Easter.

Hi all will do another post shortly guys, but happy easter, we had a great morning zoe was in at 6.30 showing us all the easter eggs that the bunny dropped in.

Then we have had hyper girl all day, she is so much fun.

The Horse

Last day of school

2006-04-13T16:23:00.000+10:00

Well it was the last day of school for the little one today, they had an Easter parade and bbq for everyone it was great to see.

Have been up the school for the past 2 days doing Easter stuff. The P&C raised over $500.00 for our Easter raffle. I ran it this year for the first time and we managed to double our income from last year. So excited.

The kids loved it especially when we drew the prizes and some of the students won them.

Looking forward to next term up there have lots of new stuff turning up at the school including new play equipment and a new covered area during the term. Should make a huge difference to the look of the school. As it looks a little run down at the moment

Ok will post some more tomorrow is good Friday an important day of the year, for all those traveling over the Easter break please take care of yourselves and your families and make it a safe memorable break

The Horse

Instant messaging

2006-04-11T21:16:00.000+10:00

Yes another post 2 in one day the world must have exploded or something. Just wanted to make a comment about IM or instant messaging. You see I remember in the old days when we used to IM at uni to other uni's round the world from a console with no sound no color and no smilies.

Now we have our choice of multiple providers multiple chat programs sound voice chat webcam and who knows what else I am sure we will soon have a cyber suit. Oops that might be pressing it a bit far but since 80% of the web is sex related according to the people in Washington. (as if they would know). You may never know it might be on its way.

Ok off sex and back onto IM. Oh yeah that's what got me here in the first place. I am sure some peoples whole sex lives revolve around IM. I know that when the "better half" and I first got back together we used it every day to catch up since she was living 8 hours away.

But that is not all. You see with so much choice we now have programs that let you have multiple Identities on the same messenger service and all the other identities in one place. For example you can have a yahoo ID and MSN ID and a Jabber ID and a ICQ id all on the one piece of software.

The problem I have is that with that many messenger clients, all hell would break loose. The "other half" tonight had messenger overload as she had 5 guys all try to get her into cyber at once. (I joined in to help in the confusion LOL)

Ok I cant talk I have 3 ID's just don't use one of them and one is strictly for work. Yes it is! No funny looks OK!

Ok have had my rant on this one.

the Horse

PS and for those chat clients i did not mention its only cause i could not remember you. Ok so sue me.

The Little Girl

2006-04-11T20:08:00.000+10:00

Well zoe and I have had a great night tonight have been chatting on yahoo with each other only a room apart. Pretty funny you would think but no we had a great old chat.

She is just so damn smart

The horse

Moving some posts

2006-04-11T16:57:00.000+10:00

Hi all. Just to let you know I am moving my posts concerning depression and my fight with it to my opera address. Yes its another link for you to click. Sorry about that. I just want to use this blog for other things. To Evan and anoymum thanks for the comments, I will continue to post about my depression over at opera the address is www.my.opera.com/horsey/blog

The Horse

I cry from the Soul !

2006-04-09T20:52:00.000+10:00

My soul aches for what I have done.

I have done some terrible things to people close to me and justified it in ways that now I feel were not only stupid but irresponsible and rash. I wish I could truly fix what I have done and would love to have the chance to do so. I know that in my soul I have paid a heavy price for what has happened before but I now feel I need fix what I made wrong.

Its an interesting premise I am proposing. How do you make up for the wrong you have done, even though you were not in the right mind when you did it. Forgiveness does not absolve me of what I have done and I doubt whether those I hurt would believe me even if I sought it.

Martin Bryant killed innocent people at Port Arthur in Tassie but he was mentally ill we have not forgiven him, nor should we. In that example he went of a rampage with the aim of killing 150 people. I on the other hand have not done something as bad as that. I haven't killed anyone but I have caused them pain and anguish beyond what anyone should be put through.

I have pushed those close away and hurt them, sometimes nearly in a sadistic manner. Why? I am unsure now of my motives or whether it was ill placed and conceived, but well intentioned kindness. In the end though my motives were good the outcomes were horrible.

Have I stopped this behavior yes I have, do I want to make recompense yes I do, can I right now. No. I want to apologize to those who I have hurt it was never my intention but I want to make a promise to all who read that what has gone before will not continue in the future.

I want those who have been around me through thick and thin to know I am doing my best and now I can finally see a light at the end of the dark tunnel. The drugs I am taking are making a huge difference. My betrayal of your trust was unforgivable. But I am asking for one more chance to prove to you all that I can become someone better than I have been for the past 8 years.

I know I don't deserve that chance, but I am asking you from the bottom of my being to give me that chance. The chance to prove I can change and I have changed. I want you to know the real me not the me that told you everything was going to be alright with no intention of making it so.

Not the me that lied to your face and laughed as I set you up for a fall, not the me that was stabbing you in the back while you tried to help me out of the hole I was in. Not the me that got joy in seeing you suffer the way I was. Not the me that inflicted pain to see how much you could stand before you left. Not the me that then blamed you for everything when you did leave. Not the me that made you a lot of money only to take it all away at a whim.

I want you to know the me that is now happy. That now feels for what I did to you all. That wants to do the best he can with what he has got and not squander it. The me that is kind caring and loves your company. The me that knows what it is like to have stood at the abyss. The me who wants to be your friend. The me who really cares how you feel. The me that wont be pushed around. The me that has changed for the better.

I am not asking for forgiveness just another chance to be the person I said I was.

I want just one more chance.

The Horse.

New Look

2006-04-08T23:01:00.000+10:00

Well the site has a new look thanks to the "blond other half", we had been talking about it for a couple of days about changing my background to something not so standard. I would like to take credit but no I cant. Sorry I might be the IT expert in the house but she is the HTML CSS expert.

Hope you like it Green is my favorite color of course, so it might be staying this way for a couple of weeks with a couple of little tweaks along the way.

The Horse

Kitten Pictures

2006-04-08T15:57:00.000+10:00

Some of these are a little fuzzy but its not easy catching kittens on the run. Hope you enjoy them. Plus since I used the camera on my P910, I think they came up well. My normal shots are done with a film camera then scanned in from negative.

The Horse

Kitten Insanity

2006-04-07T20:23:00.000+10:00

Well the "blond other Half", Zoe and myself have just been sitting in the lounge room cracking up laughing at our 4 kittens. Yes you heard right 4 of the cute little buggers.

They are so funny to watch as they play. They climb pounce and generally bowl each other over, they are just cute. Its wonderful to see such young life no cares play. Its one of my great joys in life watching people and animals grow up its just rewarding.

Climbing was one of the new things tonight on the clothes airier, we put it between two clothes basket. It took them 10 seconds to climb up and explore. It was so funny watching them learning balance on something so narrow. But even in this position they were still playing with each other.

Such a joy to watch. Just thought I would share it with you all

The Horse

My fall into Illness

2006-04-07T09:00:00.000+10:00

Ok before I continue I want everyone to know I am not doing this for attention, and that I know this topic is far overdone on the web. I am not going to explain away my actions or try to garner support I have enough of that already. I have a loving family who have lived this with me and the "blond other half" who as been fantastic through the past couple of years with me.

I am writing this for 2 reasons.

(1) In the hope that anyone who is suffering will gain some support from my story
(2) For me. I am still coming to terms with what has happened and this will help me put things in perspective.

About me.

I am the adopted son of a farmer/truck driver and his wife, the eldest child, with a younger adopted sister.

I have known about my adoption from my earliest memories my parents were good in that respect and I must admit although strict and controlling I wanted for not a lot as a child. However things started to change for me by the time I was 10 and did not get any better from there.

When I was ten my mother became suddenly Ill she lost a lot of weight and no one knew what was wrong. Over a period of 12 months she became nothing but skin and bone. From someone who was always around she became scarce withdrawn and unloving. I was told by my dad that she may die and that she would be in hospital for a long time. Which she was I would go visit her and that was that. After a year of treatment she became well and I was left very sensitive and withdrawn. Not that anyone would have thought about that.

Things became normal again for the next 4 years I enjoyed a great teen life with new friends new school and even better holidays by the beach. Those carefree days of water skiing and fishing swimming in the hot aussie sun. It was a great period of my life lots of stability and fun. I learnt to surf and really felt good most of the time.

I remember this clearly as a defining moment in my life. That is the day dad told me he had skin cancer. I had asked him a couple of months before to get a black mark on his face checked out. He did and was told it was nothing to worry about. He left it and when he had to do a physical for work they found a lump in his neck.

This was the beginning of my slippery slope with depression. Kids young teens don't have the skills to cope with this type of stress, and I didn't. Dad had a major operation removing everything from the right side of his neck, and to be honest, I was scared. I had come to know my dad really well and all of a sudden for the second time in my life I was facing loosing someone I loved. The doctors told us he would at the most have 3 years. I slipped into a deep depression.

To everyone on the outside I looked ok sounded ok, and was still happy. But on the inside I was dying. It all came to a head one night after a couple of really stressful days in school. Mum was yelling at me (per usual) and all I wanted to do was talk for someone to tell me it was ok. But they didn't want to talk. I was by this stage in such a deep depression I saw no way out, it was dark in my soul no hope no light only more of the deep empty darkness that was my life.

I went to bed as usual and waited for mum and dad to go to bed and sleep. I wrote a letter (suicide letter) and headed for what I truly hoped to be my death. It was very late in the evening though I don't remember what day. I was crying the whole way to the bridge. I parked my bike and stepped over the railing and was praying that god would forgive me.

It was then that God did forgive me and sent me a savior. I cannot and will not publish his name. He was a local minister at the time, and had taught me at school. What he was doing out that night I don't know be he drove past saw me and stopped. He managed to talk me down, and took me to the Church. I slept the night there in the Church and talked. Sometime he called my parents, I am not sure when its all very hazy now.

Things were strange at home for a while afterwards, neither mum or dad would talk, and I was still depressed, but with my minister I could talk and it helped. Dad got well then got ill again with another cancer growth, he withdrew from me and my sister and mum did the same. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents through the next 2 years and my grandfather God Bless his soul, was a wonderful support to me. He clearly loved me and looked after me in ways only age can do.

I was a mixed up individual during this time, but did not rebel did not do anything out of the ordinary. I lost myself in basketball and playing sport. My life was a constant struggle now between being ok and falling into depression. I knew things were not right but was afraid to talk to anyone to get professional help. Then when I was 17 my savior moved away I was devastated I had no one to talk about my demons my wanting to kill myself the blackness in my soul.

I graduated from high school started uni and generally continued on with bouts of depression followed by relative normal periods. Stresses that most people could deal with tripped me up, small things like a late letter or being late for uni could tip me over.

Dad got majorly ill again, then my grandfather passed away, I lost a business, and my first long term girlfriend all within about 4 months. All my support was gone.

This was the beginning of the major period of depression in my life I continued on and thought about suicide daily for over 8 years, there was not a day that I did not think about it. I held myself from the world turned off the emotions and just survived. I built a successful business and had another long term relationship but with someone I really had no feelings for.

There were times during this period that I attempted to reach out my best friend new I was in crisis but could not help. In the end I threw everything away that I could. The business my relationship, everything I was now becoming very withdrawn, I was loosing the fight, but was to scared and depressed to do anything about it.

This all changed for me by a chance reunion with the "blond better half" and her lovely gorgeous daughter. They spent a year living with me before I started to open up to them both. About my fears, my problems and the fact I was now getting huge highs then severe lows. I was lying to everyone that made things worse for me I hate lies. I decided I needed help and went and saw a councilor the "blond better half" set it up for me after I asked. I had just spent 2 weeks totally withdrawn.

He helped greatly but it was no enough, the battle was still raging and I was still loosing, though now I felt I had some hope.

It took me a further 12 months of feeling suicidal before I finally went to the GP about it. I explained my past my feelings and the fact I could no longer sustain the fight on my own. He placed me on an SRI and told me to hang in there, he explained that I had to want to get out of this to, as lots of people stay depressed for it gives them an excuse for not living. I wanted to live had wanted to the whole time.

My feelings were those of shame, I was ashamed because I had a problem, I hated myself for being weak, for being the one who was not normal. The fact of the matter is now after 5 months on the SRi's I have found out that I am normal there is nothing wrong with me that cant be fixed and that I was sick.

Mentally sick. Yes it has a stigma attached to it that is not fair, and stops a lot of people seeking treatment. The alternative for most is suicide. Though the pills have some side effects I am willing to put up with them for the leveling effect they have had on me. I can deal with things and don't want to hide from the world anymore. I am living a normal productive life again, with all its ups and downs and I can cope. I keep saying to the "blond better half" its amazing the difference I feel. I am not lying to the world anymore either that I am ok. Because now I am ok.

I will leave this topic now if you want any further info or help let me know I can point you to some places I know of on the web there are heaps of resources.

I hope this has helped someone and I pray you get some help its worth the effort. For those of you who scoff at this post as a piece of garbage I only have one thing to say to you. Don't throw stones, you don't and will never understand the depth of a bad depression. Its not just "having a bad day", or "being lazy" or "weak". Its more than that its called the "Black dog" for a reason because Black is the only word we have to describe the feeling.

My next post I can assure you all will be light hearted.. Thanks for listening/reading the above and please feel free to post a comment.

The Horse

Depression & Suicide

2006-04-07T08:39:00.000+10:00

Now its time for a really deep and meaningful post from the Horse. I have been thinking about this post for some time and I will warn you now this could be a heavy post to read.

I was going to do this over several days but have decided to do it in one hit.

Firstly let me assure you if you are reading this because you are depressed or suicidal that there is hope I have been where you are right now. Dont be to ashamed to get help. I did and I have never been happier, or more balanced since my early teens.

To some people who know me this will come as a bit of a shock, to others with whom I have shared this info thankyou for your support I could not have done it without you.

I will talk about the lead up to my depression and my struggles with my internal deamons in the next post, but what is important here is the perception of those who do have a problem with depression.

There have been many recent studies of depression and manic depression, infact it is a very hot area of mental sciences right now. Most of them are coming to the same conclusion. That is that some people are genetically weaker to becoming depressed than others. A common cause of depression is at least 3 major causes of mental stress within a 12 month period. I have had that. It changes the way the mind works and it becomes unbalanced.

Now I am no doctor and I am talking from my experience if you are depressed or are living with someone who is get help. I cannot stress this enough. I know it sounds hard but its not. Just pick up the phone and call a doctor get an appointment and tell him/her how you feel. They are there to help.

Ok I will leave this post I may add some helpful references in another post but the next one will be my story of depression attempted suicide and salvation.

If you dont want to read it please feel free to click to another page, but come back another day I do talk about other stuff, including silly stupid things that happen in my family and life.

For those who are staying thankyou.

The Horse

Its Friday

2006-04-07T08:28:00.000+10:00

Well its Friday again. Someone tell me why when its Wednesday it seems like the week is draging on for ever, but then all of a sudden its Friday.

Well all I am looking forward to a quiet weekend hopefully writing some more since I havent touched it this week. Yes slack of me I know. But have had plenty of other things going on.

Had a stressful end to yesterday. Ok I will elaborate but just a little. It was a case of piggy in the middle (or in my case horse in the middle). Now I am a patient man, well most of the time. I was caught in the middle of two large organisations who were in conjunction to provide a service to me. The problem is that they dont talk to each other.

Now normally I would deal with this with a good sense of humor, but I will say that after 3 hours and 9 phone calls between both organisations I was in tears. Yes the horse actually got so frustrated he was crying on the phone. No one wanted to fix the issue and I dont know how many times I had asked if there was anything I could do to sort it out.

What was worse I was given 8 yes 8 different stories about why the service could not be provided. In the end none of them the truth. Anyway in the end at nearly 7.00pm last night we had it sorted and the service will now be provided not today as initially promised but another 14 days away.

Why oh why do we put ourselves through it.

So to catch a phrase "Thank God its Friday"...

The Horse

Dreams

2006-04-05T11:02:00.000+10:00

Hi all this post is exactly what the title says. Its about dreams. Most dreams we forget about within a couple of minutes of waking up, whether they are bad good or erotic.

But then there are those that stick with you during the day just snipits not the whole dream. I have been thinking over the past 6 months about taking the family on a Freighter cruise (yes you heard right). Maybe early next year for a couple of months.. We will see. Well to be honest I haven't thought much about it in the last couple of months been to busy with other things, well last night I had the dream about taking the cruise and how much fun it was.

Now that is not the issue the issue is that I can still remember little bits of it today and it has put me in a good mood. So why do we remember little bits of some dreams and nothing of others ?

I suppose it will remain a mystery, until we work out how the brain operates and more importantly how the thought dream process works.

I pose another question to top this one off do cats and dogs dream? I think they do and do they remember them. An even scarier question comes from when we create artificial intelligence, will it dream in its rest state? And what will those dreams consist of?

Ok have had my questions for this morning if anyone knows an answer can you drop me a message, would love to hear your point of view.

Have a great day all

The Horse

Visination.com

2006-04-04T20:31:00.000+10:00

Those who know me will know that I don't often make comment on other peoples work either artwork or written literature, however every now and then I manage to find something that I find impressive or awe inspiring. Unlike most of my posts the remainder of mine will be images I have gotten from the Visination website, I think this guy is truly talented.

The Horse

Fedora Vs Ubuntu

2006-04-04T19:08:00.000+10:00

Ok lets be honest here there is just no way in hell that a Microsoft product is ever going back on my computer. The list of reasons is endless, including high maintenance and constant and I mean constant security update issues. I wish bill and his many minions would learn to write good software.

Now I have gotten that off my chest I had two options
(1) By a Mac
(2) Use Linux.

Buying a Mac is out of the question when everything else we have here is based around a PC format, plus I don't like Mac's that much... Sorry Apple. So I decided to go for Linux. Now you say that's an easy decision. Well I am here to inform you no its not. There are so many different types of Linux or distro's out there that it makes the next step hard.

My first attempt at a Linux install was from Ubuntu see ubuntu, I must say I found this OS originally very frustrating and finding support difficult. It hung my laptop every time it went to shut down and was generally bugging the living daylights out of me.

So I decided to try fedora 4 so I downloaded the 5 disks and installed. Had an issue straight away it hung on my Sony Vaio as soon as it tried to boot, because of a conflict with my PCMCIA card, that was the beginning of my massive learning curve. By the time Fedora 5 came out see previous post at opera, I was becoming a semi newbie. I installed it overcame some major issues like no BG2200 direct support without firmware. No NVIDIA driver that worked with the laptop properly ie OPENGL. I even had to use a bleeding edge Core to overcome that issue.

It looked great worked great but after a week the problems started arising. I must admit before I continue that I even had full multi-media working with streaming and DVD and was really impressed. The issue again came down to the Wireless interface and its inability to maintain connection. The only way I could do that on the laptop was to turn off CPUSPEED, which is the auto CPU speed controller. Thus significantly shortening the battery life of the laptop. Then a week after doing this it started dropping again, and little changes in the Gnome desktop were driving me nuts.

So what do I do now was the question. I decided to try another Linux install on the poor vaio but it did not work and will be the subject of another post about why people write software that does not work.

In complete frustration, I turned back to Ubuntu. The difference this time ? I had all of that experience from Fedora. It was simple fast and easy to install. And I have been told that there is now a program in Beta that will setup even quicker in one hit (not the 3 hours it took me).

I am so impressed with the difference that Ubuntu is now staying on the desktop. The only issues I had are with not being able to be root user which I have fixed, and the lack of inbuilt firewall protection.

A big side note should be made here that the PCMCIA issue did not effect the Ubuntu distro at all and the hanging on shutdown was fixed with the install of the correct NVIDIA drivers. Wireless basically worked straight out of the box as did most things including the sound system without 2 hours of configuration.

In my opinion Ubuntu is a fantastic desktop operating system, fedora has its strengths and I strongly believe it will equal Ubuntu soon. Fedora's community have a lot to be proud of and if I was on a desktop instead of a laptop I can tell you it would most definitely be my OS of choice.

Overall I would rate Ubuntu an 8 out of 10 and fedora a 7.5 out of 10, in what has been a close run thing. The thing that clinched it for Ubuntu was the plug and play adaptability of its core, it plugged nearly straight into the laptop with little configuration changed. Other than a few quirky Ubuntu issues I have found this to be a most enjoyable install and experience.

So if you are look for an MS alternative I would suggest Ububtu for a laptop and Fedora for desktop.

Thanks for reading

If you have any questions or want more info on either of these products and the exact spec of laptop drop me a comment and I will get back to you.

The Horse

Ps the image above is a snapshot of my desktop. The background is an image from this website, his art is awesome and I urge anyone who wants to use it commercially to drop this guy a line. The website is http://www.visination.com/artwork.php?page=1&type=1

Wrote First page Today

2006-04-01T19:10:00.000+11:00

Well I did it people I finally sat down desgined out the story book and wrote my first page today. Yes I am happy with what I created but it was a bit slow a lot of distractions on this end with messenger on and the little girl running around.

However I seem to have made some headway and know what I am writing about and in which context I will be writing. The story is an interesting mix and I wont go into that hear. Hope the "Blond Other Half", is ok with the subject matter since she will be proof reading it. Not that there is anything bad in it. Its just that this is the first works other than the blog that I will have someone read, and its a personal thing. I dont know how most aritst's writers deal with it but I am fine for now.

The "Blond Better Half" did not come to bed till well after 3.00am so she has been sleeping on and off all day giving me a chance to sit down and write.

I will keep you posted on how things go.

The Horse

Ponted

2006-03-30T21:26:00.000+11:00

Well I searched high and I searched low until I found this definition from the urban dictionary

Ponted @ Urban Dictionary

Check it out if you dont belive me but it says:

ponted

Owned by a very clueless person or dissed in a way you cannot diss back.

You just got ponted or he/she ponted you

ok the mystery solved

The horse

Menat:

2006-03-30T21:24:00.000+11:00

Menat

A necklace that has several rows of beads that gather into a counterweight at the back of the neck. It was worn by the goddess Hathor and symbolized the divine powers of healing.

What is Ponted & Menat???

2006-03-30T20:09:00.000+11:00

Ok all I am going to get killed with an axe over this post, but the woman who this is about would not have it any other way right anonymum.

This is a terminal case of foot in mouth disease. Yes I said it. I will tell all that I spat my coffee on the screen when I read the comments posted by anonymum. But worse I was laughing so hard at one point I was crying and could not see where I was going.

I will go now and for those about the earlier post I have started and I am looking forward to doing it.

The Horse

Today is the Day

2006-03-30T12:43:00.000+11:00

Well, as anyone who knows me on a personal level will know I have wanted for quite a while to write a novel.. Yes me the guy who cant spell or put a sentence together without having both grammar, and sentence structure examined.

Ok enough of banging ones head against a brick wall. I want to do this for 2 reasons

(1) I have an active imagination and love reading
(2) The creative side of me needs to get out

It is the second one of these I need to look after it has been sorely neglected over the past 10 years so I thought I might try a short story first and see how it goes. I must say that I have been partially inspired by a mate of mine online who has written a song recently, and of course by my favorite author Ursula Leguin.

So all please wish me luck and for those who ask I will send a copy of the manuscript as it develops, just remember I have to work and earn a living as well so its important that I keep that up to.

To the woman I love I appreciate your support in this as well and I love you with all my heart and soul.

The Horse

"My Better Half"

2006-03-29T19:10:00.000+11:00

Ok now she will tell you that she did not deserve this but other readers who know her will agree she does (yes annoymum I was talking about you.)

By "better half" has complained because every time I post about her and use "my better half" in with the "" she thinks its because I want to make all of you believe that she is beating me up or something. This from a woman who or more than one occasion has used me as the subject of one of her posts including the power of the universe.

As others will clearly back me up I will comment that this is also from a woman who has said on many occasions that it does not matter what others think... Me thinks that it does matter to her....

Wile I am talking about the tall "Blond" "better half" (aha I am going to get it for that one) I must tell you that she is a sneaky as a cat thief or a ghost, creeping round the house to barge into a room and start talking. Little mind that I may have not heard her come in. Horse hits ceiling and there are still marks there for 2 weeks afterwards. Damn she manages to get me at least twice a day. I swear she will scare me out of the grave once I am dead.

So in an Ode to the "better half" I will now do it differently. Because of her great importance in the world in general I will now refer to her as "Blond Better Half"

ok sweety I hope you enjoy this

The horse

Well its official

2006-03-28T22:32:00.000+11:00

Yes all I have moved my blog here. Why when I like Opera so much as a browser, its simple blogger simply gives me more options. My "Better Half" has convinced me moving here full time is a good thing so I am.

Ok so now on to one of the best things I have seen in years. Yes tech fans here it comes microsoft (note the small m) has in the past week or so lost anti-trust type law suits in France (includes apple) and now in Korea where microsoft has been ordered to split out IE from its windows platform.

Its about time someone got serious about stopping microsoft from using its market position to push out any real serious competition. By this is can site one example I have come across since moving off the windows platform and onto Linux Fedora. The .wmv movie format is owned by microsoft. So if you move away from their platform it is near impossible to play ..wmv movie files or streams from all of the news websites including the BBC. Microsoft (only capital this time for start of sentence) should not be able to hold those who do not want their software to ransom simply by the fact that they are so large and have become a pseudo standard.

Open Source developers and online communities are being hampered by microsoft and intel, yes intel (as I recently experienced) because they refuse to allow distribution of open source software and their "proprietary" drivers software or firmware.
I can tell you it is my opinion that one day it is going to come back to bite them. I have worked in they IT industry now for 13 years and have used and supported microsoft products the entire time. What most desktop users do not know is that there are far better alternatives out there. Alternatives that..

(1) don't slow down over time
(2) Are more stable and less likely to corrupt files
(3) don't require a high level of maintenance
(4) don't crash on a regular basis
(5) don't cost another $350.00 after the price of your hardware.

Reality is that open source will eventually threaten these "proprietary" items by either re-write or hack yes I used the word hack, but not in the way you think. It is silly to keep playing these games with the open source community as eventually they will be in big enough numbers to matter. Co-operation with them is a far better thing to do as both Red Hat Unix and Sun Microsystems are finding out. That by using the open source software and communities for they have in effect a low cost development R&D department. Only the mature software is then on sold to corporates in mature end packages. Helping both SUN and others make more money on mature software not the buggy stuff the microsoft likes giving all users. How many IE updates have there been. Bill Gates said that they were everyone's IT department with quick fixes.. Face up to it bill the bugs should not have been there to begin with.

Ok so I have had my controversial say on the matter, if you have anything you want to add remove or otherwise say regarding this post please feel free to comment and thanks for visiting

The Horse

My First Blogger Post

2006-03-24T22:29:00.000+11:00

Well all, welcome to my first blogger post, I have another blog over at Opera, so after talking with the "Better Half" I have decided to come have a look here.

To be truthfull I thought bloggers were a little mad till I tried it myself. Wow is all I have to say its fun, and even better you get to read what everyone else is up to. So I will let you all know I have a slightly tilted view of the world, I will post stuff that may upset some people and some posts will make others happy. Either way I dont care. This is my blog these are my views and if you don't like them then don't read them.

Ok that finishes the first post, please drop back and check on my others I am sure you will find them strange amusing and fun, hopefully not all at once.

The horse